Revolving lights : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 7 — John Stuart Mill — John Shaqi
Revolving lights : $b Pilgrimage, Volume 7
John Stuart Mill · en
He ran round in front of her, bringing her to a standstill.
"You think you will never marry ... with _this_"--his ungloved hands
moved gently over the outlines of her shoulders. "Ah--it is
most--musical; you do not know." She thrilled to the impersonal
acclamation; yet another of his many defiant tributes to her forgotten
material self; always lapsing from her mind, never coming to her aid
when she was lost in envious admiration of women she could not like. Yet
they contained an impossible idea; the idea of a man being consciously
attracted and won by universal physiological facts, rather than by
individuals themselves....
If Michael only knew, it was this perpetual continental science of his
that had helped to kill their relationship. With him there could never
be any shared discovery.... She grudged the formal enlightenment he had
brought her; filching it from the future. There could never now be a
single harmonious development in relation to one person. Unless in
relation to him.... For an instant marriage, with him, suggested itself
as an accomplished fact. She saw herself married and free of him; set
definitely in the bright resounding daylight of marriage ... free of
desires ... free to rest and give away to the tides of cheerfulness
ringing in confinement within her. She saw the world transformed to its
old likeness; and walked alone with it, in her old London, as if
awakened from a dream. But her vision was disturbed by the sense and
sound of his presence and she knew that her response was not to him....
The necessity of breaking with him invaded her from without, a
conviction, coming from the radiance on which her eyes were set, and
expanding painlessly within her mind. She recognised with a flush of
shame at the continued association of these two separated people, that
there was less reality between them now than there had been when they
first met. There was none.... She was no longer passionately attached to
him, but treacherously since she was hiding it, to someone hidden in the
past, or waiting in the future ... or _anyone_; any chance man might be
made to apprehend ... so that when his man's limitations appeared, that
past would be there to retreat to....