The Trimmed Lamp, and Other Stories of the Four Million
John Stuart Mill · en
“It couldn’t do better,” said Katherine. “I’m thinking there’s nothing
the worse off for a little water.” In the back room Riley and McQuirk
toiled like bearded witches over their strange compounds. From fifty
bottles they drew liquids carefully measured after Riley’s figures, and
shook the whole together in a great glass vessel. Then McQuirk would
dash it out, with gloomy profanity, and they would begin again.
“Sit down,” said Riley to Con, “and I’ll tell you.
“Last summer me and Tim concludes that an American bar in this nation
of Nicaragua would pay. There was a town on the coast where there’s
nothing to eat but quinine and nothing to drink but rum. The natives
and foreigners lay down with chills and get up with fevers; and a good
mixed drink is nature’s remedy for all such tropical inconveniences.
“So we lays in a fine stock of wet goods in New York, and bar fixtures
and glassware, and we sails for that Santa Palma town on a lime
steamer. On the way me and Tim sees flying fish and plays seven-up with
the captain and steward, and already begins to feel like the high-ball
kings of the tropics of Capricorn.
“When we gets in five hours of the country that we was going to
introduce to long drinks and short change the captain calls us over to
the starboard binnacle and recollects a few things.
“‘I forgot to tell you, boys,’ says he, ‘that Nicaragua slapped an
import duty of 48 per cent. ad valorem on all bottled goods last month.
The President took a bottle of Cincinnati hair tonic by mistake for
tabasco sauce, and he’s getting even. Barrelled goods is free.’
“‘Sorry you didn’t mention it sooner,’ says we. And we bought two
forty-two gallon casks from the captain, and opened every bottle we had
and dumped the stuff all together in the casks. That 48 per cent. would
have ruined us; so we took the chances on making that $1,200 cocktail
rather than throw the stuff away.
“Well, when we landed we tapped one of the barrels. The mixture was
something heartrending. It was the color of a plate of Bowery pea soup,
and it tasted like one of those coffee substitutes your aunt makes you
take for the heart trouble you get by picking losers. We gave a nigger
four fingers of it to try it, and he lay under a cocoanut tree three
days beating the sand with his heels and refused to sign a testimonial.