P. 43. _For_ Pheasant _read_ Peasant, throughout. P. 44. _For_ sausage _read_ hostage. [Illustration] AUTHORS’ NOTE Several portions of this book have appeared in _Punch_, and are reprinted here by courtesy of the Proprietors of that paper. CHAPTER I CÆSAR INVADES BRITAIN The first date[1] in English History is 55 B.C., in which year Julius Cæsar (the _memorable_ Roman Emperor) landed, like all other successful invaders of these islands, at Thanet. This was in the Olden Days, when the Romans were top nation on account of their classical education, etc. [Illustration: Top nation] Julius Cæsar advanced very energetically, throwing his cavalry several thousands of paces over the River Flumen; but the Ancient Britons, though all well over military age, painted themselves true blue, or _woad_, and fought as heroically under their dashing queen, Woadicea, as they did later in thin red lines under their good queen, Victoria. Julius Cæsar was therefore compelled to invade Britain again the following year (54 B.C., not 56, owing to the peculiar Roman method of counting), and having defeated the Ancient Britons by unfair means, such as battering-rams, tortoises, hippocausts, centipedes, axes and bundles, set the memorable Latin sentence, “Veni, Vidi, Vici,” which the Romans, who were all very well educated, construed correctly. [Illustration: Dawn of British heroism] The Britons, however, who of course still used the old pronunciation, understanding him to have called them “Weeny, Weedy and Weaky,” lost heart and gave up the struggle, thinking that he had already divided them All into Three Parts. CULTURE AMONG THE ANCIENT BRITONS The Ancient Britons were by no means savages before the Conquest, and had already made great strides in civilization, e.g. they buried each other in long round wheelbarrows (agriculture) and burnt each other alive (religion) under the guidance of even older Britons called Druids or Eisteddfods, who worshipped the Middletoe in the famous Druidical churchyard at Stoke Penge. [Illustration: Agriculture] The Roman Conquest was, however, a _Good Thing_, since the Britons were only natives at that time. THE ROMAN OCCUPATION [Illustration: Roman occupied]