A Comic History of the United StatesHopkins, Livingston
History
A Comic History of the United States
Hopkins, Livingston
United States -- History -- Humor
This, of course, was mere heresy upon the face of it, and our
forefathers proceeded to “deal” with Brother Williams in the true
Puritanic style, when the misguided man bade them a hasty farewell and
left on the first train for Rhode Island.
He brought up in a camp of Narragansett Indians, whom he found more
liberal in their religious views.
The blind and bigoted Williams, with a few other renegades from the
Puritan stronghold, established a colony at the head of Narragansett
Bay, which they called Providence.
Other settlements soon sprang up, and the hardened sinner Williams went
to England and obtained a charter which united all the settlements into
one colony.
At the beginning of the Revolution Rhode Island had a population of
50,000 blinded bigots.
_CHAPTER VIII._
NEW HAMPSHIRE—SLIM PICKING—AN EFFECTIVE INDIAN POLICY—JOHN SMITH
AGAIN COMES OUT STRONG.
New Hampshire was a sickly child from the first, and of somewhat
uncertain parentage. It was claimed by many proprietors, who were
continually involved in lawsuits. Its soil was not very fertile, and
yielded little else than Indians and lawyers. The former were the most
virulent of which any of the colonies could boast, and the latter were
of the young and “rising” sort.
[Illustration:
_A NEW HAMPSHIRE PLANTATION IN COLONIAL TIMES_
]
These two elements managed to make it extremely lively for the average
colonist, who was scalped upon the one hand and “skinned” upon the
other. At first the horny-handed son of toil fondly hoped to raise corn,
but owing to the poverty of the soil it was a day’s journey from hill to
hill, and as much as a man’s scalp was worth to undertake to travel it.
At harvest time there was an immense crop of cobble stones and no market
for it.
Fortunately, in time the lawyers became starved out, but two great
drawbacks to prosperity yet remained; sterility of soil and hostile
Indians.
But the time was at hand when both these evils were to be remedied. His
name was Smith—John Smith, of course—who readily undertook the contract
of not only exterminating the Indians, but of fertilizing the soil.
To accomplish the first of these great ends, he disguised himself as a
medicine man, and went boldly among the noble red men, inducting them
into the mysteries of the manufacture and consumption of New England
rum. He found them apt pupils, and it was not long before every Red of
them, from the biggest sachem to the latest papoose, could not only
distill his own fire-water, but drink it, too.
There was soon a very noticeable thinning out in the ranks of the noble
red men, and a good deal was said about the setting sun.
The fire-water did its work thoroughly, and the colonists were at length
masters of the situation so far as Indians were concerned.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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