‘Such an enormity never occurred to her as a remote possibility. If she had known you, dear, she would have had to write an appendix to her book to meet all the new problems which you would suggest. Shall I go on?’ ‘Please do!’ ‘She next treats conversation. “In conversation, trifling occurrences such as small disappointments, petty annoyances, and other everyday incidents, should never be mentioned to friends. If the mistress be a wife, never let a word in connection with her husband’s failings pass her lips—”’ ‘By Jove, this book has more wisdom to the square inch than any work of man,’ cried Frank, in enthusiasm. ‘I thought that would please you. “Good temper should be cultivated by every mistress, as upon it the welfare of the household may be said to turn.”’ ‘Excellent!’ ‘“In starting a household, it is always best in the long-run to get the very best articles of their kind.”’ ‘That is why I got you, Maude.’ ‘Thank you, sir. We have a dissertation then upon dress and fashion, another upon engaging domestics, another about daily duties, another about visiting, another about fresh air and exercise—’ ‘The most essential of any,’ cried Frank, jumping up, and pulling his wife by the arms out of her low wicker-chair. ‘There is just time for nine holes at golf before it is dark, if you wilt come exactly as you are. But listen to this, young lady. If ever again I see you fretting or troubling yourself about your household affairs—’ ‘No, no, Frank, I won’t!’ ‘Well, if you do, Mrs. Beeton goes into the kitchen-fire. Now remember?’ ‘You are sure you don’t envy Mr. Beeton?’ ‘I don’t envy a man upon earth.’ ‘Then why should I try to be Mrs. Beeton?’ ‘Why indeed?’ ‘O Frank, what a load off my mind! Those sixteen hundred pages have just lain upon it for months. Dear old boy! come on!’ And they clattered downstairs for their golf-clubs. MR. SAMUEL PEPYS