Humorous stories, American; United States -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
This letter is accompanied by a tin-type picture of a young man who
shaves in such a way as to work in a streak of whiskers by which he
fools himself into the notion that he has a long and luxuriant mustache.
He looks like a person who, under the influence of liquor, would weep
on the bosom of a total stranger and then knock his wife down because
she split her foot open instead of splitting the kindling.
He is not a bad-looking man, and the freckles on his hands do not hurt
him as a husband. Any young lady who would like to save him from a
drunkard's grave can address him in my care, inclosing twenty-five
cents, a small sum which goes toward a little memorial fund I am getting
up for myself. My memory has always been very poor, and if I can do it
any good with this fund I shall do so. The lock of hair sent with this
letter may be seen at any time nailed up on my woodshed door. It is a
dull red color, and can be readily cut by means of a pair of tinman's
shears.
The two following letters, taken at random from my files, explain
themselves:
"BURNT PRAIRIE, NEAR THE JUNCTION,}
"ON THE ROAD TO THE COURT HOUSE,}
"TENNESSEE, January 2.}
"DEAR SIR--I am in search of a wife and would be willing to settle
down if I could get a good wife. I was but twenty-six years of age
when my mother died and I miss her sadly for she was oh so good and
kind to me her caring son.
"I have been wanting for the past year to settle down, but I have
not saw a girl that I thought would make me a good, true wife. I
know I have saw a good deal of the world, and am inclined to be
cynical for I see how hollow everything is, and how much need there
is for a great reform. Sometimes I think that if I could express
the wild thoughts that surges up and down in my system, I could win
a deathless name. When I get two or three drinks aboard I can think
of things faster than I can speak them, or draw them off for the
paper. What I want is a woman that can economize, and also take the
place of my lost mother, who loved me and put a better polish on my
boots than any other living man.
"I know I am gay and giddy in my nature, but if I could meet a
joyous young girl just emerging upon life's glad morn, and she had
means, I would be willing to settle down and make a good, quiet,
every-day husband.
"A. J."
"ASHMEAD, LEDUC CO., I.T.,}
"December 20.}
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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