THE UNIVERSAL REGISTER, from the day of its first appearance to the day of its _confirmation_ has like TRISTRAM suffered from innumerable casualities, both laughable and serious, arising from its _name_, which on its introduction was immediately curtailed of its fair proportion by all who called for it, the word _Universal_ being _universally_ omitted, and the word _Register_, only, being retained. “Boy, bring me the _Register_.” The waiter answers, “Sir, we have not a library, but you may see it at the _New Exchange Coffee House_.” “Then I’ll see it there,” answers the disappointed politician, and he goes to the _New Exchange_ and calls for the _Register_; upon which the waiter tells him he cannot have it if he is not a subscriber--or presents him with the Court and City Register, the _Old Annual Register_, or the _New Annual Register_; or if the Coffee House be within the Purlieus of Covent Garden, or the Hundreds of Drury--slips into the politician’s hand “_Harris’s Register_ of Ladies.” For these and other reasons, the parents of the UNIVERSAL REGISTER have added to its original name that of the _TIMES,_ Which, being a _monosyllable_, bids defiance to _corrupters_ and _mutilaters_ of the language. THE TIMES! What a monstrous name! Granted--for THE TIMES _is_ a many-headed monster that speaks with a hundred tongues, and displays a thousand characters, and in the course of _its_ transformations in life assumes innumerable shapes and humours. The critical reader will observe we personify our _new name_, but as we give it no distinction of sex, and though _it_ will be _active_ in _its_ vocations, yet we apply to _it_ the _neuter gender_. THE TIMES, being formed of materials and possessing qualities of opposite and heterogeneous natures, cannot be classed either in the animal or vegetable _genus_; but like the _Polypus_ is doubtful, and in the discussion, description, dissection, and illustration, will employ the pens of the most celebrated of the _Literati_. THE HEADS OF THE TIMES, as has been said, are many; they will however not always appear at the same time, but casually, as public or private affairs may call them forth. The principal or leading heads are-- The LITERARY, POLITICAL, COMMERCIAL, PHILOSOPHICAL, CRITICAL, THEATRICAL, FASHIONABLE, HUMOUROUS, WITTY, &c., &c. Each of which are supplied with a competent share of intellects for the pursuit of their several functions; an endowment which is not in _all time_ to be found even in the HEADS of the _State_--The _heads_ of the _Church_--the _heads_ of the _Law_--the _heads_ of the _Navy_--the _heads_ of the _Army_--and though _last_, not _least_, the _great heads_ of the _Universities_.