“Mr. Lincoln,” said he, “I think you would have your joke if you were within a mile of hell.” “Yes,” said the President, “that is about the distance to the Capitol.” _Inquisitiveness Nonplussed._ Mr. Lincoln has a very effective way sometimes of dealing with men who trouble him with questions. Somebody asked him how many men the rebels had in the field. He replied very seriously, “Twelve hundred thousand, according to the best authority.” The interrogator blanched in the face, and ejaculated, “My God!” “Yes, sir, twelve hundred thousand--no doubt of it. You see, all of our Generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnumbers them from three or five to one, and I must believe them; we have four hundred thousand men in the field, and three times four make twelve; don’t you see it?” The inquisitive man looked for his hat soon after “seeing it.” _The Judge and his Coachman._ One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, “Come, now, Bates, he’s not half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad made road before me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. ‘Hello, Lincoln, are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I’ll give you a seat.’ Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat, so, says I, ‘Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.’ ‘Well, I declare, Lincoln,’ said he, ‘I should not much wonder if you were right, for he has nearly upset me half-a-dozen times since starting.’ So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, ‘Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!’ Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said--‘By gorra! that’s the first rightful decision you have given for the last twelvemonth.’” _Concerning the President Personally._ Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. “That is a doubtful compliment,” answered the President, “I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a segar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing, smoked for some time, and then grunted out, ‘It’s my experience that folks who have no vices have plagued few virtues.’” _The President’s Vanity._