The rest, pages and pages, was a love letter. Every night, these years
of separation—so she wrote—had been filled with dreams of me. As always
she put her work above her love. Bacteriology was the great fact of her
life. She held it a treason to reality when, as so often happens,
people lose their sense of proportion and allow love to usurp the place
of graver things. But now that her work brought her towards her love,
she looked forward to a fuller life—a life adorned.
The letter brought a great unrest. Her passionate call to me certainly
found an echo. I lost much sleep—tormented, intoxicated with the images
her words called up. Years before an immense loneliness had pushed me
into the comfort of her arms. This was no longer the case. My life was
full, almost over-full of work and friends. But the pull towards her
seemed even more irresistible now than before.
Marriage seemed to me the only worthy solution. But even more clearly
than in the hospital days I knew I did not want to marry her. It was, I
suppose, above all because I did not love her. It was partly because I
liked my bachelor freedom, the coming and going without reference to
anyone. It was partly my deep attachment to Norman. I felt he would
not care for Ann. Anyway it would break up our household in the Teepee.
At last a letter came setting the date of her arrival. It coincided with
a long-standing engagement I had made to lecture on criminology in a
western college. I had an entirely cowardly sense of relief in the
realization that the meeting and adjustment were postponed. But I
thought of little else. Returning from my lectures, on the long ride
across half the continent, with the knowledge that Ann was awaiting me
in the city, that I could postpone things no longer, I won to a
decision. I would see her at the earliest convenience—it seemed more
straightforward to see her than to write—and tell her that I did not
wish to recommence our intimacy. I might not be able to explain why I
wanted to break with her, but I could at least make it plain that I did.
On my return, I found a letter waiting me in the Teepee. It contained
her telephone number and a query as to when I could come out for dinner.
I called her up at once. I would come that very day. The train out to
Cromley seemed perversely slow. I was impatient to be through with it,
to get back undisturbed to my work. It was only a short walk from the
station to her house. The row of gingerbread cottages along her street
is one of the fixtures of my memories.
Ann opened the door for me. She held me out at arm’s length a minute.
"Woof!" she said, "You’ve grown old." Then she gave me a sudden kiss.
"Come. You must meet Mother."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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