A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors — John Shaqi
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary AuthorsStewart, Donald Ogden
History
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors
Stewart, Donald Ogden
Parodies; United States -- History -- Humor
Well did Ella remember where she had seen that countenance before, and
as she stood there trembling the whole scene of her folly came back to
her. It had happened in Kansas, just before her parents died, on one
sunny May morning. She had gone for a walk; her footsteps had led her to
the banks of a secluded lake where she often went when she wished to be
alone. Many an afternoon had Ella dreamed idly away on this shore, but
that day, for some reason, she had felt unusually full of life and not
at all like dreaming. Obeying a thoughtless but innocent impulse, with
no intention of evil, she had taken off her clothes and plunged thus
n-k-d into the cool waters of the lake. After she had swum around a
little she began to realize the extent of her folly and was hurriedly
swimming towards the shore when a terrific cramp had seized her lower
limbs, rendering them powerless. Her first impulse, to scream for help,
was quickly checked with a deep blush, as she realized the consequences
if a man should hear her call, for nearby was an encampment of Union
soldiers, none of whom she knew. The perplexed and helpless girl was in
sore straits and was slowly sinking for the third time, when a bearded
stranger in soldier's uniform appeared on the bank and dove into the
water. To her horror he swam rapidly towards her--but her shame was soon
changed to joy when she realized that he was purposely keeping his eyes
tight shut. With a few swift powerful strokes he reached her side, and,
blushing deeply, took off his blue coat, fastened it around her, opened
his eyes, and swam with her to the shore. Carrying her to where she had
left her clothes he stayed only long enough to assure himself that she
had completely recovered the use of her limbs, and evidently to spare
her further embarrassment, had vanished as quickly and as mysteriously
as he had appeared.
Many a night after that had Ella lain awake thinking of the splendid
features and, the even more splendid conduct of this unknown knight who
wore the uniform of the Union army. "How I love him," she would whisper
to herself; "but how he must despise me!" she would cry, and her pillow
was often wet with tears of shame and mortification at her folly.
It was shortly after this episode that her parents had taken sick and
passed away. Ella had come East and had given up hope of ever seeing her
rescuer again. You may imagine her feelings then when, on entering the
drawing room at the van der Griffs', she discovered that the stranger
who had so gallantly and tactfully rescued her from a watery grave was
none other than General Ulysses S. Grant.
The poor girl was torn by a tumult of contrary emotions. Suppose he
should remember her face. She blushed at the thought. And besides what
chance had she to win such a great man's heart in competition with these
society girls like Geraldine Rhinelander who had been "abroad" and spoke
French.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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