A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary AuthorsStewart, Donald Ogden
History
A Parody Outline of History: Wherein May Be Found a Curiously Irreverent Treatment of American Historical Events, Imagining Them as They Would Be Narrated by America's Most Characteristic Contemporary Authors
Stewart, Donald Ogden
Parodies; United States -- History -- Humor
Said the Queen, "How can I thank you enough, dear Ferdinand, for your
untiring interest in my welfare. For I have been struggling along in
my study of geography with a horribly dull clod whose name", said the
Queen, "I cannot remember."
"Was it, by any chance, Colombo?" asked the King.
"Perhaps", said the Queen. "But I am oh so glad to be rid of him." And
indeed so great was the happiness of Queen Isabel that her pillow that
night was wet with tears.
But King Ferdinand was an unusually efficient king, and he spared no
pains in his craving for normalcy. So it was that the next day he called
to him the man who had chanced to be Royal Geographer before the coup
d'oeuf of Colombo.
"Now tell me", said the King, "is there any chance that a man who sails
to the westward will ever return?"
"None, your Majesty", said the ex-Royal Geographer. "For many have tried
and horrible are the tales which they tell of demons and monsters lying
in wait for the ships of men. And I should say definitely, oh King",
said he, "that whoever sails to the westward will never return."
And the tale tells how that afternoon Colombo stood before King
Ferdinand. And very strange to Colombo was the enthusiasm which burned
in the King's otherwise somewhat fishlike eye.
"For know you, Colombo", the King was saying, "that God has spoken to me
and commanded me to save from the fires of hell the inhabitants of those
golden lands of which you sang. And to you, my dear Colombo, is to
be given the chance which you so ardently desire. For I have this day
purchased three ships which await your command, and within a week you
should be well on your way on this glorious mission for God and for
Spain, and", said the King, "I might add that the Queen, too, is much
interested in this voyage and has even been persuaded to dispose of her
jewels in order that you may make haste."
"Such instant obedience to the will of God", said Colombo, "and such
fine enthusiasm to further His kingdom on earth, does your Majesties
great credit. And I shall indeed congratulate the inhabitants of this
to-be-discovered land for their good fortune in obtaining such a devout
King."
And the tale tells how that night Colombo took leave of Queen Isabel.
"Now do not weep, oh Queen", said he, "for I am only Colombo whom men
call the Dreamer, and I go in search of the land of my imagining, and
perhaps", said Colombo, "I shall return." But they tell how Queen Isabel
refused to be comforted for many and many a day. And unexplainably
curious to Father Bernadino was his absolute and complete failure as
a royal instructor in geography, for Father Bernadino had taught for
fifty-two years at the University.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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