I felt I knew what he was about to say, and was not mistaken. The
question with most young people, he said, was how to find the means upon
which to marry; but in his case those means were already provided, and a
difficulty of a precisely opposite character stood between him and me. I
must have perceived by this time his intense devotion to the system of
philosophy of which he was the chief advocate. He had sacrificed
everything in life to that one end, and he was prepared to do so so long
as he was spared to labor. To practise in every way, so far as was
possible, the principles he professed was the only escape, in his
opinion, from that worst stigma of would-be-reformers,--hypocrisy. Among
the leading obstacles, in his judgment, to a well-ordered life was the
accumulation of property beyond enough to satisfy the common needs and
comforts of life. He had taken the vow of approximate poverty,--not the
extreme obligation of the clerical orders, but a limited, moderate view
in accordance with the views just expressed. In seeking a partner to aid
him with her support and sympathy in the great up-hill struggle to which
he had consecrated his powers, he had wished to make choice of a woman
with but small means, if any; but fate had willed otherwise. Once
already--he said that he desired to conceal nothing--he had offered
himself to a young lady of large property, for whom he felt a deep
attachment. He had asked her, as he was about to ask me, to give herself
to him in return for his love, without her fortune. With that she was
free to do what she wished; it would be easy to dispose of it. After
debate she refused him. This was six years ago; and until he saw me no
thought of love had refreshed his heart. On that night at Miss
Kingsley's, when he saw me for the first time and before he knew of my
father's wealth, he loved me, he said, almost without knowing it; but
from the moment of hearing the words that warned him of the barrier
between us, he had striven to drive my image from his thoughts. Ever
since, with all the might and resolution of which he was capable, he had
struggled against his love, but in vain. He had tried to avoid my
presence; he had resisted the temptation to become my teacher at the
time I consulted him on the subject; and subsequently, when we were
brought into constant contact at the rooms of the society, he had
offended his own sense of politeness by the reserve of his behavior
toward me. But, despite all this, he had felt the ground gradually
slipping from beneath his feet. A chance look or smile nullified in an
instant the self-denial of weeks. He had been many times already on the
verge of an avowal. He had seen and heard from others of the intimacy
between Mr. Barr and me, and been tortured by the pangs of jealousy. But
the events of yesterday had made it impossible for him to remain silent
any longer. He loved me with all the fervor of his heart, and it was
vain for him to deny it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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