For a timeless time I lay stunned, immured now as the massive stones
of Bar-Ponderone had never confined me. My basic self-awareness still
survived, out was shunted aside, cut off from any contact with the body
itself.
With shadowy fingers of imagination I clawed at the walls surrounding
me, fought for a glimpse of light, for a way out.
And found none.
* * * * *
Then, at last, I began again to think.
I must analyze my awareness of my surroundings, seek out channels
through which impulses from sensory nerves flowed, and tap them.
I tried cautiously; an extension of my self-concept reached out with
ultimate delicacy. There were the ranked infinities of cells, there
the rushing torrents of gross fluid, there the taut cables of the
interconnecting web, and there--
Barrier! Blank and impregnable, the wall reared up. My questing tendril
of self-stuff raced over the surface like an ant over a melon, and
found no tiniest fissure. It loomed alien, inscrutable: the invader who
had stolen my brain.
I withdrew. To dissipate my force was senseless. I must select a point
of attack, hurl against it all the power of my surviving
identity ... before it too dwindled away and the abstraction that was
Legion vanished forevermore.
The last of the phantom emotions that had clung--for how long?--to the
incorporeal mind field had faded now, leaving me with no more than
an intellectual determination to reassert myself. Dimly I recognized
this sign of my waning sense of identity but there was no surge of
instinctive fear. Instead I coolly assessed my resources--and almost at
once stumbled into an unused channel, here within my own self-field.
For a moment I recoiled from the outré configuration of the stored
patterns ... and then I remembered.
I had been in the water, struggling, while the Red soldier waited,
rifle aimed. And then: a flood of data, flowing with cold, impersonal
precision. And I had deftly marshalled the forces of my body to survive.
And once more: as I hung by numbed fingers under the cornice of the
Yordano Building, the cold voice had spoken.
And I had forgotten. The miracle had been pushed back, rejected by
the conscious mind. But now I knew: this was the knowledge that I had
received from the background briefing device that I had used in my
island strong-room before I fled. This was the survival data known to
all Old Vallonians of the days of the Two Worlds. It had lain here,
unused, the secrets of superhuman strength and endurance ... buried by
the imbecile of censor-self's aversion to the alien.
But the ego alone remained now, stripped of the burden of neurosis,
freed from subconscious pressures. The levels of the mind were laid
bare, and I saw close at hand the regions where dreams were born, the
barren sources of instinctive fear-patterns, the linkages to blinding
emotions; and all lay now under my overt control.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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