English fiction -- 20th century; Short stories, English
In regard to the society of his fellows he liked almost anybody, though
a little impatient with those, especially authors, who took themselves
too seriously; and there were just one or two that he really could not
stand, they were so obviously full of jealousy, a passion of which he
was naturally intolerant and had, of course, no need to indulge in. And
he would speak of them with extreme dryness--nothing more, disdaining
to disparage. It was, perhaps, a weakness in him that he found it
difficult to accept adverse criticism as anything but an expression of
that same yellow sickness; and yet there were moments when no words
would adequately convey his low opinion of his own powers. At such
times he would seek out his wife and confide to her his conviction
that he was a poor thing, no good at all, without a thought in his
head; and while she was replying: “Rubbish! You know there’s nobody to
hold a candle to you,” or words to that effect, he would look at her
tragically, and murmur: “Ah! you’re prejudiced!” Only at such supreme
moments of dejection, indeed, did he feel it a pity that he had married
her, seeing how much more convincing her words would have been if he
had not.
He never read the papers till the evening, partly because he had not
time, and partly because he so seldom found anything in them. This was
not remarkable, for he turned their leaves quickly, pausing, indeed,
naturally, if there were any mention of his name; and if his wife asked
him whether he had read this or that he would answer: “No,” surprised
at the funny things that seemed to interest her.
Before going up to bed he would sit and smoke. And sometimes fancies
would come to him, and sometimes none. Once in a way he would look up
at the stars, and think: “What a worm I am! This wonderful Infinity! I
must get more of it--more of it into my work; more of the feeling that
the whole is marvellous and great, and man a little clutch of breath
and dust, an atom, a straw, a nothing!”
And a sort of exaltation would seize on him, so that he knew that if
only he did get that into his work, as he wished to, as he felt at
that moment that he could, he would be the greatest writer the world
had ever seen, the greatest man, almost greater than he wished to be,
almost too great to be mentioned in the press, greater than Infinity
itself--for would he not be Infinity’s creator? And suddenly he would
check himself with the thought: “I must be careful--I must be careful.
If I let my brain go at this time of night, I sha’n’t write a decent
word to-morrow!”
And he would drink some milk and go to bed.
II.--THE CRITIC
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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