That Blackfoot Injun (he was turned into To-Ko, the Human Snake) was a-throwin' squaw-hitches with hisself. The Judge come to the edge of the platform and pointed over his shoulder to him. "Do you think he could do that if he didn't rub his hinges with Pain Balm?" he says. "Wal, he couldn't. Pain Balm makes a man as limber as a willa. Ladies and gents, it's _won_derful what that remedy can do! It'll prolong you' life, make you healthy, wealthy, happy, and wise. Here you get the Blackfoot Injun Root-ee, the Pain Balm, the Cough Balsam, the Magic Salve, and the Worm Destroyer,--the fi-i-ive remedies fer two dollars!" Say! it made my jaw plumb tired t' listen to him. "Hairoil," I says to Johnson, "they got the names of the prettiest gals up on the blackboard, but where's the names of the homeliest men?" Hairoil snickered a little. Then he pulled his face straight and said that, bein' as Monkey Mike 'd kicked up a turrible fuss about the votes that was cast fer _him,_ why, the Judge had _de_cided to keep the homeliest-man contest a secret. Wal, _I_ didn't keer. Was only a-botherin' my, haid over the way the prettiest gal countin' 'd come out. I got holt of Dutchy, who 'd come in from his thirst-parlour to look on a minute. "Buyin', Dutchy?" I ast. "Nix." "But I reckon you need Root-ee, all the same. Do you ever feel kinda full and stuffy after meals?" "Yaw." "Now, don't that show! Dutchy, I'm sorry, but it's a cinch you got the bliggers!" Wal, _he_ bit. The station-agent was standin' right next me. "Cupid," he whispers, "I hear you got a candi-_date_ in fer the prettiest gal. What you say about runnin' as the homeliest man?" "No," I answers, quick, "I don't hanker fer the honour. (That 'd hurt me with _her,_ y' savvy.) Then, I begun chinnin' with Sparks, that owns the corral. "Great stuff, that Root-ee," I says. "Reckon the redskins knowed a heap more about curin' than anybody's ever give 'em credit fer. Tried the medicine yet, Sparks?" Sparks said no, he didn't think he needed it. "Wal, a man never knows," I goes on. "Now, mebbe, of a mornin', when you wake up, you feel tired and sorta stretchy; wisht you could just roll over and take another snooze." "Bet I do!" "That ain't right, Sparks." And I turned in and give him that bliggers talk. But he hung off till I tole him about the scheme of the railroad bunch. Seems that Sparks had a grudge agin the eatin'-house 'cause it wouldn't give him train-men's rates fer grub. So he fell right into line. Macie Sewell didn't come to the show that night, so I didn't stay long. Over to the bunk-house, I got a piece of paper and some ink and (ain't ashamed of it, _neither,_) writ down her name. Under it, I put mine. Then, after crossin' out all the letters that was alike, and countin' "Friendship, love, indiff'rence, hate, courtship, marriage," it looked like this: M[a][c][i][e] S[e]w[e][l][l] friendship, [A][l][e][c] [L][l]oyd marriage.