Because I have already had a long leave I get none on Sundays. So the last Sunday before I go back to the front my father and eldest sister come over to see me. All day we sit in the Soldiers' Home. Where else could we go, we don't want to stay in the camp. About midday we go for a walk on the moors. The hours are a torture; we do not know what to talk about, so we speak of my mother's illness. It is now definitely cancer, she is already in the hospital and will be operated on shortly. The doctors hope she will recover, but we have never heard of cancer being cured. "Where is she then?" I ask. "In the Luisa Hospital," says my father. "In which class?" "Third. We must wait till we know what the operation costs. She wanted to be in the third herself. She said that then she would have some company. And besides it is cheaper." "So she is lying there with all those people. If only she could sleep properly." My father nods. His face is broken and full of furrows. My mother has always been sickly; and though she has only gone to the hospital when she has been compelled to, it has cost a great deal of money, and my father's life has been practically given up to it. "If only I knew how much the operation costs," says he. "Have you not asked?" "Not directly, I cannot do that--the surgeon might take it amiss and that would not do, he must operate on mother." Yes, I think bitterly, that's how it is with us, and with all poor people. They don't dare to ask the price, but worry themselves dreadfully beforehand about it; but the others, for whom it is not important, they settle the price first as a matter of course. And the doctor does not take it amiss from them. "And the dressings afterwards are so expensive," says my father. "Doesn't the Invalid's Fund pay anything toward it, then?" I ask. "Mother has been ill too long." "Have you any money at all?" He shakes his head: "No, but I can do some overtime." I know. He will stand at his desk folding and pasting and cutting until twelve o'clock at night. At eight o'clock in the evening he will eat some of the miserable rubbish they get in exchange for their food tickets, then he will take a powder for his headache and work on. In order to cheer him up a bit I tell him a few stories, soldiers' jokes, and the like, about generals and sergeant-majors. Afterwards I accompany them both to the railway station. They give me a pot of jam and a bag of potato-cakes that my mother has made for me. Then they go off and I return to the camp. In the evening I spread the jam on the cakes and eat some. But I have no taste for them. So I go out to give them to the Russians. Then it occurs to me that my mother cooked them herself and that she was probably in pain as she stood before the hot stove. I put the bag back in my pack and take only two cakes to the Russians. CHAPTER IX