But the question which most agitated him was his relations with the
girl, Fanny Dodge. He realized that recently he had approached the
verge of an emotional crisis. If Mrs. Black whom he had at the time
fairly cursed in his heart, in spite of his profession, had not
appeared with her notice of dinner, he would be in a most unpleasant
predicament. Only the girl’s innate good sense could have served as a
refuge, and he reflected with the utmost tenderness that he might
confidently rely upon that. He was almost sure that the poor girl loved
him. He was quite sure that he loved her. But he was also sure, with a
strong sense of pride in her, that she would have refused him, not on
mercenary grounds, for Fanny he knew would have shared a crust and
hovel with the man she loved; but Fanny would love the man too well to
consent to the crust and the hovel, on his own account. She would not
have said in so many words, “What! marry you, a minister so poor that a
begging fair has to be held to pay his salary?” She would have not
refused him her love and sympathy, but she would have let him down so
gently from the high prospect of matrimony that he would have suffered
no jolt.
Elliot was a good fellow. It was on the girl’s account that he
suffered. He suffered, as a matter of course. He wanted Fanny badly,
but he realized himself something of a cad. He discounted his own
suffering; perhaps, as he told himself with sudden suspicion of
self-conceit, he overestimated hers. Still, he was sure that the girl
would suffer more than he wished. He blamed himself immeasurably. He
tried to construct air castles which would not fall, even before the
impact of his own thoughts, in which he could marry this girl and live
with her happily ever after, but the man had too much common sense. He
did not for a moment now consider the possibility of stepping, without
influence, into a fat pastorate. He was sure that he could count
confidently upon nothing better than this.
The next morning he looked about his room wearily, and a plan which he
had often considered grew upon him. He got the keys of the unoccupied
parsonage next door, from Mrs. Black, and went over the house after
breakfast. It was rather a spacious house, old, but in tolerable
preservation. There was a southeast room of one story in height,
obviously an architectural afterthought, which immediately appealed to
him. It was practically empty except for charming possibilities, but it
contained a few essentials, and probably the former incumbent had used
it as a study. There was a wood stove, a standing desk fixed to the
wall, some shelves, an old table, and a couple of armchairs. Wesley at
once resolved to carry out his plan. He would move his small store of
books from his bedroom at Mrs. Black’s, arrange them on the shelves,
and set up his study there. He was reasonably sure of obtaining wood
enough for a fire to heat the room when the weather was cold.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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