"Life is very sweet, brother: who would wish to die?" XIX Is all this too bookish for an ocean tramp? Alas! I fear I grow too cocksure of my literary attainments out here, with none to check me. It is in London where a man finds his true level in the book world, as Johnson shrewdly observed. In the evening, when we are gathered over the fire, and opinions fly across and rebound, when one hears bookmen talk of books, and painters talk of art--that is the time when I feel myself so unutterably insignificant. Often I have looked across at T----, or G----, or ----, someone I know even better than them, and I feel discouraged. You men have _done_ things, while I--well, I talk about doing things, and try, feebly enough, to make my talking good; but to what end? T---- has his work in many a public building and sacred edifice; G---- has his books on our tables and in the circulating libraries; and you have done things, too, in dramatic literature. Meanwhile I am an engine-driver on the high seas! I know my work is in the end as honourable and more useful than yours, but I cannot always keep back a jealous feeling when I think of the years sliding by, and nothing done. Nothing ever finished, not even--but there! That chapter of my life is finished and done with, incomplete as the story will be always. Often and often, under the stars at midnight, I think that if she would stand by me, I could be nearer success--I could take hold of life and wrench away the difficulties of it. And then again comes a more valiant, manly mood. I say to myself, I will do something yet. I will reach the heights, and show her that one man at least can stand on his own feet. I will show her that she need have no need to be ashamed of him, though no carpet-knight, only an engine-driver. And I recall that brave song in the "Gay Pretenders": "_I am not what she'd have me be, I am no courtier fair to see; And yet no other in the land, I swear, shall take my lady's hand!_" Well, that is my high resolve sometimes, and I will try to keep it in front of me always, and so do something at last. Well, well, this is sad talk for the day before Christmas! Come away from books and trouble, out on deck, where there is a breeze. The mighty Norseman is ready to cut my hair, and is waiting abaft the engine-room under the awning.