“Don’t be silly,” said Henrietta, smiling vacantly. Then, stung by a
half intuition of his meaning, she repulsed him and said angrily, “YOU
despise ME.”
“Not more than I despise myself. Indeed, not so much; for many emotions
that seem base from within seem lovable from without.”
“You intend to leave me again. I feel it. I know it.”
“You think you know it because you feel it. Not a bad reason, either.”
“Then you ARE going to leave me?”
“Do you not feel it and know it? Yes, my cherished Hetty, I assuredly
am.”
She broke into wild exclamations of grief, and he drew her head down and
kissed her with a tender action which she could not resist, and a wry
face which she did not see.
“My poor Hetty, you don’t understand me.”
“I only understand that you hate me, and want to go away from me.”
“That would be easy to understand. But the strangeness is that I LOVE
you and want to go away from you. Not for ever. Only for a time.”
“But I don’t want you to go away. I won’t let you go away,” she said,
a trace of fierceness mingling with her entreaty. “Why do you want to
leave me if you love me?”
“How do I know? I can no more tell you the whys and wherefores of myself
than I can lift myself up by the waistband and carry myself into the
next county, as some one challenged a speculator in perpetual motion to
do. I am too much a pessimist to respect my own affections. Do you know
what a pessimist is?”
“A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”
“So, or thereabout. Modern English polite society, my native sphere,
seems to me as corrupt as consciousness of culture and absence of
honesty can make it. A canting, lie-loving, fact-hating, scribbling,
chattering, wealth-hunting, pleasure-hunting, celebrity-hunting mob,
that, having lost the fear of hell, and not replaced it by the love of
justice, cares for nothing but the lion’s share of the wealth wrung by
threat of starvation from the hands of the classes that create it. If
you interrupt me with a silly speech, Hetty, I will pitch you into the
canal, and die of sorrow for my lost love afterwards. You know what I
am, according to the conventional description: a gentleman with lots of
money. Do you know the wicked origin of that money and gentility?”
“Oh, Sidney; have you been doing anything?”
“No, my best beloved; I am a gentleman, and have been doing nothing.
That a man can do so and not starve is nowadays not even a paradox.
Every halfpenny I possess is stolen money; but it has been stolen
legally, and, what is of some practical importance to you, I have no
means of restoring it to the rightful owners even if I felt inclined to.
Do you know what my father was?”
“What difference can that make now? Don’t be disagreeable and full of
ridiculous fads, Sidney dear. I didn’t marry your father.”
“No; but you married--only incidentally, of course--my father’s fortune.
That necklace of yours was purchased with his money; and I can almost
fancy stains of blood.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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