“Jones,” said that worthy, frowningly, “this gentleman complain that you have killed his dog.” “A dastardly trick,” warmly interrupted the owner of the dog, “to kill a defenseless animal that would harm no one!” “Not much defenseless about it,” chimed in the private, heatedly. “He bit pretty freely into my leg while I was on sentry duty, so I ran my bayonet into him.” “Nonsense!” answered the owner, angrily. “He was such a docile creature. Why did you not defend yourself with the butt of your rifle?” “Why didn’t he bite me with his tail?” asked Private Jones, humbly. WE SUGGEST THIS TO ALL OF ’EM A visitor to a West-end restaurant in London, being waited on by a particularly tall and fine-looking waiter with a foreign accent, asked the man his nationality. “Oh, I am a Hungarian,” was the reply. “How comes it, then, that a big, strong fellow like you is not in the firing line?” asked the visitor. “Vell, sir, it’s like this,” replied the knight of the napkin, pointing to a brother waiter a few tables off; “you see that man? Vell, he’s a Serb, and we have vat you call paired.” CAUSE FOR HOME-SICKNESS The recruit walked into the barrack-room and inadvertently left the door open. An old soldier immediately yelled:— “Shut the door, you fool! Where were you born—in a barn?” The youngster closed the door, then, dropping down on his cot, buried his face in his hands and began to weep. The old soldier looked somewhat uncomfortable, and, rising, finally walked over to the weeper and tapped him on the shoulder. “Look here, boy,” he said, “I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. I just wanted the door closed.” The weeper raised his head and grinned. “Comrade,” he said, “I’m not crying because you hurt my feelings; but because you asked me if I was born in a barn. I was, and every time I hear an ass bray it makes me feel home-sick.” REGULAR SEA DOG A sailor belonging to one of His Majesty’s ships returned home unexpectedly. “Why, what’s up, Jack?” asked his old father, when he saw him. “Had to put back. Too rough,” said the Tar, jocularly. “Too rough! Well, that’s yere modern navy, is it, with her quick-firers and torpedo-catchers? Too rough, eh? Why, Jack, my boy, I remembers when I was in the old Grampius—well, it was a gale, and it did blow. Well, it blowed so hard that the skipper gave orders to cut away the mast, and no sooner had the carpenter appeared on deck than the wind blowed the teeth clean out of his saw!” “That’s nothing,” retorted Jack. “Only yesterday the wind happened to veer round and caught our guns end on and it blowed the breeches clean out of all of them.” “Jack, my boy,” said the old man, “give me yer hand. Yer was cut out for the sea.” PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT Patient (to pretty nurse)—“Will you be my wife when I recover?” Pretty Nurse—“Certainly.” Patient—“Then you love me?”