“Take him to the hospital,” said the man in charge. Slowly the wounded man opened his eyes and whispered, faintly:— “What’s the matter with the canteen?” AND SMITH COULDN’T DO IT Sergeant-Major—“Now, Private Smith, you know very well none but officers and non-commissioned officers are allowed to walk across this grass.” Private Smith—“But, Sergeant-Major, I’ve Captain Graham’s verbal orders to—” Sergeant-Major—“None o’ that, sir. Show me the captain’s verbal orders. Show ’em to me, sir.” PAYING HIS RESPECTS A soldier had died, and a very unpopular sergeant was making a “voluntary” levy of a shilling per man to be sent to the dead soldier’s widow. He came to Mick, an Irishman, who was always in trouble, and who hated the sergeant. “Now, Mick, my man, where’s your shilling?” Mick slowly put his hand in his pocket, and as slowly withdrew it. He looked lovingly at the shilling as it lay in his palm, and then passed it over to the sergeant. “There it is,” he said, “and I’d gladly make it a sovereign if it was for you.” GOT THE MONEY FIRST The following story is vouched for by a well-known Scottish M. P. somewhere off the East Coast. A trawler was on naval patrol duty. The skipper thought he would like some fish for breakfast, so he commenced operations. Soon up popped a German submarine close by. The trawler’s skipper, an Aberdonian, was about to ram it and earn the prize money when the submarine’s commander, not suspecting this evil intention, offered to buy some fish. So the canny Scot went alongside, sold his fish—and then rammed the submarine. FORTUNATE Girl (reading letter from brother at the front)—“John says a bullet went right through his hat without touching him.” Old Lady—“What a blessing he had his hat on, dear.” FEMININE STRATEGY “I was speaking with your father last night,” he said, at last, somewhat inanely. “Oh, were you?” answered the sweet young thing, lowering her eyes. “Er—what were you—er—talking about?” “About the war. Your father said that he hoped the fighting would soon be over.” The sweet young thing smiled. “Yes,” she remarked, “I know he’s very much opposed to long engagements.” He took the hint. WAR WORKS WONDERS Vicar (who has called to read a letter to one of his parishioners from her son at the Front)—“Your son, Mrs. Codling, has been fighting in the trenches. For a whole week he was standing up to his neck in water!” Mrs. Codling—“Well, I never! This war be doing some funny things, sir, to be sure. We couldn’t get ’im to put water anywhere near ’is neck when ’e was at ’ome!” UNLIMITED SUPPLY “Do you know, Bill would be awfully helpful to the Germans at the front.” “How so?” “They might just get him on to talking about his fishing exploits when they were filling their gas-bombs.” HER DEDUCTION