An Irishman invalided home from the war was asked by one of his relatives what struck him most about the battles he took part in. “What struck me most?” said Pat. “Sure, it was the large number of bullets flying around that didn’t hit me.” THE TERRIER Sergeant—“’Ey, there! Where are you going?” The Absent-Minded Beggar (who climbed out of the trench)—“’Oly Jiminy! When that bloomin’ shell whistled over ’ead Hi thought it was twelve o’clock!” MORE THINGS TO KNIT “My love, I’ve an idea,” said old Mrs. Goodart to her caller. “You know we frequently read of the soldiers making sorties. Now, why not make up a lot of those sorties and send them to the poor fellows at the front?” A QUALIFIED FIGHTER Rather unexpected was the reply of a Mrs. Tommy Atkins to a lady who inquired if her husband was at the front. “Yus,” she said, “an’ I ’ope ’e’ll serve the Germans as ’e served me.” A SHORT CUT A stranger inquired of Pat which was the shortest way to the hospital. Pat seriously replied: “By shouting three cheers for Germany.” MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR A soldier in barracks asked for exemption from church parade on the ground that he was an agnostic. The sergeant-major assumed an expression of innocent interest. “Don’t you believe in the Ten Commandments?” he asked, mildly. “Not one, sir!” was the reply. “What! Not the rule about keeping the Sabbath?” “No, sir.” “Ah, well, you’re the very man I’ve been looking for to scrub out the canteen!” AS SEEN IN PRESS REPORTS Making the geography lesson as interesting as possible, the teacher asked the name of one of the Allies. “France,” cried one little boy. “Now name a town in France.” “Somewhere,” promptly returned the youngster. BEST OF INTENTIONS Young Subaltern:—“I think I ought to get a periscope; what do you think?” Grandmamma—“Don’t go buying one, my dear; if you could borrow one for a pattern, I am sure I could knit you one just as good.” DOUBLE TROUBLE “Mein Gott, it iss too much? Ain’t it enough dot I fight for der Vaterland? Now der Emperor says we should marry before leaving for der front.” HE LOST THE COUNT A young officer at the front wrote home to his father: “Dear Father—Kindly send me $250 at once. Lost another leg in a stiff engagement and am in hospital without means.” The answer was as follows: “My dear Son—As this is the fourth leg you have lost (according to your letters), you ought to be accustomed to it by this time. Try and hobble along on any others you may have left.” DEADLIER THAN USUAL “I understand that all the warring nations find that women are perfectly able to make shrapnel.” “I’ll wager they make it in their own way, however. One cupful gunpowder, one cupful nitroglycerin, a pinch of fulminate, and so on.” NEW USE OF THE WORD She—“Where have you been?” He—“In the hospital getting censored.” She—“Censored?” He—“Yes; I had several important parts cut out.” THE ORIGINAL ONE-STEP