“It seems to haunt me,” she said to a friend, who had also been at the party. “No wonder,” said the friend. “Look at the way you murdered it.” FIGHTING FOR HIS GLASSES A pair of field-glasses “made in Germany” was responsible for the loss of a trench by the Germans in circumstances at once laughable and inspiring. The hero was a young British subaltern who won the Victoria Cross. The subaltern had a pair of Beiss field-glasses of which he was extraordinarily proud. He bored everyone stiff by talking about them continually. One day his company had been compelled to fall back on their support trenches owing to a sudden German attack. All at once the subaltern shouted “Good heavens!” and bolted through the communication trench. A sergeant, who was very fond of the young officer, went after him, and came back shortly after to the commanding officer to report:— “Sir, he has recaptured the trench.” The commanding officer collected his men, and again advanced to the fire trench, where he found the subaltern, with a revolver in each hand, in front of a whole row of Germans, who had laid down their rifles and were holding up their hands. The commanding officer congratulated him, but pointed out the recklessness of his action. “Sir,” replied the subaltern, “I wanted to get my glasses back.” CONCERNED Old Lady (to nephew on leave from the front)—“Good-by, my dear boy, and try and find time to send a post-card to let me know you are safely back in the trenches!” MOST LIKELY Bix—“By the way, who is, or rather was, the god of war?” Dix—“I’ve forgotten the duffer’s name, but I think it was Ananias.” TIMID Officer (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)—“You fool! Come back at once!” Tommy—“No bally fear, sir! There’s a hornet in the trench.” NOISY TIME-PIECE Ship’s Officer—“Oh, there goes eight bells; excuse me, it’s my watch below.” The Lady—“Gracious! Fancy your watch striking as loud as that!” IN NAVAL TERMS “That is the rhinoceros. See his armored hide?” “Um. And what’s this?” “The giraffe.” “Gee! He’s got a periscope.” SO CHANGEABLE First Recruit—“What do you think of the major, Bill?” Second Recruit—“‘E’s a changeable kind o’ bloke. Last night I says to ’im ‘’Oo goes there?’ An’ he says, ‘Friend,’ an’ today ’e ’ardly knows me.” AMONG THE MISSING Old Lady (to wounded officer)—“Oh, sir, do you ’appen to ’ave ’eard if any of your men at the front ’as found a pair of spectacles wot I left in a 16 ’bus in the Edgware Road?” NO LUCK “Do the Germans ever leave anything valuable behind them in the trenches?” Veteran—“Never a drop, mum!” RECRUITING IN ENGLAND Overlooking Blackburn cemetery has been stuck a great recruiting poster, which reads:— “Wake up! Your King and Country need you!” ALL BUT THE FIG LEAF Here is a true story from Paris. A batch of conscripts were to be examined by the army doctor. The latter, after seeing that everything was ready in the room, called out to the soldier attendant: