Scene, improvised singsong in a British relief-camp, to which a number of German prisoners were admitted as a special favor. Officer running it returns after a brief absence to find the sergeant left in control of the program announcing the following item: “Our friends Fritz and ’Ans will now oblige with the ’Ymn of ’Ate.” WISE RECRUIT Officer (in volunteer camp, to recruit)—“Now, if a fire should break out, what are you to do?” Recruit—“Run and find you, sir.” Officer—“Right. And, if I’m not be found, what then?” Recruit—“Put out the fire, sir.” BAD BITE “Well, I see the Germans have taken Lodz.” “I’ll bite. Loads of what?” NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN A big German officer went into a shop in Brussels and explained to the old woman inside that Germany was ever so many times bigger than Belgium. “How is it, then,” she inquired, “that you can travel through Germany in three weeks, whereas you have taken over a year to get through Belgium, and you are not through yet?” The officer saluted the old woman and walked away. THE WHOLE PACK A platoon of a certain regiment, among whom were a number of men noted as inveterate card-players, was being drilled. The instructor lined them up and gave the command: “Number off!” Like fire along the front rank ran the response: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, jack, queen, king, ace!” NO GARTERS NEEDED “Anyhow, there’s one advantage in having a wooden leg,” said the happy soldier. “What’s that?” said his friend. “You can hold your socks up with tin-tacks.” WILLING TO SPARE HIM “Does your wife show any interest in the war?” “Yes, indeed. She talks about it.” “What does she say?” “Why, she says that she wishes I could go.” CHANCE FOR SOME INVENTOR He—“Why so pensive, my dear? What are you thinking about?” She—“I was thinking that if all the yarns husbands give their wives could be knit up, what a lot of socks and mittens there’d be for the brave soldiers.” IN “ZEPPELIN” TIMES “I can’t understand it. A month ago you cut her dead, and now you can’t make too much fuss over her.” “My dear, it’s quite simple. She has the biggest cellar in the district.”—London Opinion. GETTING THE ACCENT “My barber is a Frenchman. Every day while he’s shaving me he gives me a little lesson in French.” “Fine. But don’t you find it rather difficult to make replies?” “Yes, to a certain extent, but the lather that gets into my mouth seems to help my accent.” AN OLD KNITTING STITCH It was several days after arriving home from the front that the soldier with two broken ribs was sitting up and smoking a cigar when the doctor came in. “Well, how are you feeling now?” asked the latter. “I’ve had a stitch in my side all day,” replied the wounded soldier. “That’s all right,” said the doctor. “It shows that the bones are knitting.” THE DEAR FRIENDS At a party Miss Brown had sung “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary,” and for days after she was singing or humming it to herself.