I have been making some efforts to decide the question, not of love,
but, of duty. Love must not be permitted, till duty shall be known. I
have not satisfied myself so well as I could wish, yet my former
reasons seem invincible. Ought my father and my family to be offended?
Ought I to set an example that might be pernicious? Is it most probable
that by opposing I should correct or increase the world's mistakes? The
path before me is direct and plain; ought I to deviate?
In vain I fear should I plead his extraordinary merit. Would the plea
remove the load of affliction with which I should overwhelm those who
love me best? At present they think well, nay highly of me. I sometimes
have the power to influence them to good. What power shall I have when
they imagine I have disgraced both myself and them?
Who ever saw those treated with esteem who are themselves supposed to
be the slaves of passion? And could the world possibly be persuaded
that a marriage between me and the son of my father's steward could
ever originate, on my part, in honourable motives?
Ought I to forget the influence of example? Where is the young lady,
being desirous to marry an adventurer, or one whose mind might be as
mean as his origin, who would not suppose her favourite more than the
equal of Frank? For is not the power of discrimination lost, when the
passions are indulged? And ought my name to be cited? Ought they to be
encouraged by any act of mine?
Yet the opposing arguments are far from feeble. His feelings are too
strong to be concealed. Perhaps the only weakness I can think him
capable of is that of loving me. For if love be contradictory to
reason, it is a weakness; but should he answer that love and reason are
in this instance united, we must come to proofs. That he loves is too
visible to admit of doubt. I have seen the word trembling as it were on
his tongue. I am almost certain that a silly thing which I said, with a
very different intention, would have produced an avowal of his passion,
had I not added something to prevent it, and hurried away.
Well then! Am I certain I am guilty of no injustice to him? And why
ought I not to be as just to him as to any other being on earth? Who
would be more just to me? Who would be more tender, more faithful, more
affectionate?
I know not whether I ought to shrink from the vanity which seems
annexed to the idea, for I know not whether it be vanity, but I cannot
sometimes help asking myself whether the good that might result from
the union of two strong minds, mutually determined to exert their
powers for the welfare of society, be not a reason superior even to all
those I have enumerated.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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