"Of what use are my strength and my common sense," she said, "when my heart rushes outside of me thus, to grasp an affection which eludes me? Upon my word, it is only the indifference with which I am regarded which preserves me, and yet the shame of that thought does not cure me. Am I guided by a spirit of contradiction? It seemed to me at first that any advance on that young man's part would have disgusted me and that I should have repelled him proudly; and lo and behold! his resignation irritates me, his silence distresses me, and I am angry with him for thinking no more of me! Evidently my mind is badly diseased." One day when she was at her perfumer's, she met Julien going out. He had no right to bow to her in public, and he pretended not to see her. She found on the counter a very pretty fan which he had painted for his mother, and had just brought to the shop to be made up. She imagined that it was intended for her, and made up her mind to refuse it; however, she awaited the little gift with intense impatience. "He will send it to me mysteriously," she thought; "it will be an anonymous offering, and in that case----" But the gift did not arrive; so it was not for her after all. What folly to think that he intended it for her! Julien was in love with some other woman--some petty bourgeoise or some society woman of easy morals--perhaps an actress! She did not sleep for two nights; then she happened to see the fan in Madame Thierry's hand, and she breathed again. In spite of her determination, she could not avoid speaking of Julien to his mother, and she resorted to every sort of detour to bring him into the conversation. She wished to know about the sort of life led by a young painter, of which she had no idea; and, although she dreaded to learn some unpleasant or painful details, she continued to ask questions, at first concerning the tastes and habits of artists, in general; then of a sudden she asked: "Your son, for example; did he not lead a brilliant, dissipated, or at least an enjoyable life before the death of his father and your subsequent troubles?"