It was evident Madame de Fersen considered me absolutely unimportant.
However unpleasant this discovery was to my vanity, such was my love for
Catherine, that I only thought of the happiness of seeing her as
frequently as possible, and hoped in the sincerity of my affection for
her.
At the end of our quarantine we landed at Toulon, and remained some days
to visit that port. M. de Fersen proposed to me that we should not yet
separate, and continue our journey together as far as Paris.
I accepted.
I sent for my carriage, which I had sent back to Marseilles when we
started from Porquerolles, and we left for Paris towards the beginning
of November.
M. de Fersen and his wife travelled in one coach; his daughter, with her
nurse, in another. As my travelling carriage was of the same
description, and could only accommodate two persons, every day, when
about to start after breakfast, M. de Fersen would beg me to take his
place in his wife's carriage, while he took his customary siesta in
mine.
Irene, who had shown much sorrow at the mere idea of separating from me,
always joined us at these times, and our "conversations of the saloon"
continued thus up to Paris.
Notwithstanding the promise I had made Madame de Fersen, I determined on
the last day of our journey, to renew my avowal of love.
Until then I had scrupulously kept my word, because I feared by not
doing so I would forfeit the privilege of our tête-à-tête during the
journey.
My hope had been to become, at least for Catherine, a daily thought, and
to captivate and interest her mind so that little by little she should
become keenly sensitive to my presence or my absence.
I believed that I had achieved this end. I loved Madame de Fersen
ardently. I had an excessive longing to please her, and except the word
"love," which never passed my lips, I put in my attentions to her all
the eagerness, all the tenderness, of the most passionate lover.
Without studying my conversation too deeply, I endeavoured to speak to
Catherine only on subjects that were new to her.
She knew neither Paris, nor France, nor England, nor Spain, and I was
thoroughly acquainted with them all. I tried, therefore, to amuse her
with my accounts of these places, and my descriptions of the customs and
habits of these nations.
I succeeded almost always, as I could perceive by the serious attention
given to my words, and the interested questions they elicited; then, in
spite of myself, I showed my happiness and delight in having interested
her.
Madame de Fersen had too much tact not to notice the great impression
she continued to make upon me, and she seemed grateful to me for my
reserve.
Especially, every time that I found the way, without grieving Irene too
deeply, to avoid the embarrassments which the child's strange affection
for me brought about at every moment, Madame de Fersen would thank me by
an enchanting glance.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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