To sum up all, the moral sense of the conversations I had with him, and
which on his part consisted of short, concise, and decided phrases,
affirmed that the pivot on which everything turned was gold, since the
noblest characters when pressed by need would descend to the lowest
degradation, even to infamy,--it was necessary to remain rich so as to
be sure of remaining honest; that there was an object in every
sacrifice; that every man was corruptible, but that the time or the
price of each man varied according to the nature of the individual; that
all friendship had its negative pole, and that, therefore, it would be
folly to count on a sentiment which would assuredly fail you in your
need; and, to conclude, I should, according to these direful maxims,
count myself as fortunate in the fact that I had neither brother nor
sister, and was thus free from the guilt of venial fratricide, man being
so constituted that he scarcely ever sees anything in fraternity but a
diminished inheritance; "for," said my father, "there are very few, even
of the purest souls, who can deny having thought, at least once in a
lifetime, in calculating the fortune that they were to divide, 'If I
were the only one!'"
I can not express how these axioms, in one sense strictly true perhaps,
but of an affirmation so exaggerated and so disheartening, filled me
with dismay, when I heard them coldly stated as a proposition by my
dying father.
My tutor, who was a man of good sense, but of mediocre intellect, had
never in his life started any philosophical discussion in my presence.
Upon such subjects my mind had thus far remained unawakened and inert,
but, being prepared by education and by a precocious habit of reflection
due to my solitary life, and the experience I had gained by travel, was
ready to receive the germs of any idea, good or bad, which the ardour of
my imagination would inevitably cause to expand.
It was thus that these discouraging and bitter sentiments took deep root
and became the sole source of all my thoughts. Later in life I was
enabled to modify them, to graft on them, so to speak, other ideas, but
the later buds partook of all the bitterness of the original sap.
After one of these melancholy seances with my father, which generally
lasted about two hours, he would allow himself to be dressed, or rather
to be wrapped in warm and very light clothing (for his old wounds had
become open and heavy clothing caused him to suffer cruelly); then,
seated in a bath-chair, he would have himself rolled up and down in the
sunny paths of the park.
Through a strange caprice, my father, who had hitherto taken the
greatest pleasure in keeping this park in luxurious beauty, prohibited,
so soon as he believed himself to be seriously ill, every one from
making the most necessary and ordinary improvements.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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