The animals thought they would have a race; The Monkey was referee; The Bull was stakeholder, for, as he said, It was his nature to be. The Camel got a hump on himself; The Lion ran with might and mane; The Tiger stood off, for a beast of his stripe Was not let to enter again. The Elephant took his trunk along, In case he won the prize; The Peacock was starter, and missed no one, For, you see, he was all eyes. Some spotted the Leopard for winner sure; The old ones chose the Gnu; While those who leap to conclusions quick Bet on the Kangaroo. The Ostrich plumed himself on his speed; All tried the record to wreck; The Hippopotamus blew his own horn, But the Giraffe, he won by a neck. I was in court the other day. There is no use of any vulgar curiosity concerning the reason of my being present; but I will say right here that I won my case, and when a fellow does that he's all right. Yes, sir; I had the dough with me. While I was waiting my turn a disreputable-looking chap was brought before the judge, I believe charged with vagrancy or something of the sort. "What is your name?" inquired the justice. "Pete Smith," responded the vagrant. [Illustration] "What occupation?" continued the court. "Oh, nothing much at present; just circulatin' round." "Retired from circulation for thirty days," pronounced the court, dryly. In another case where one of the witnesses had been severely baited by a counsel, the question arose as to the authenticity of a letter of which the witness was reputed to be the author. "Sir," said the lawyer, fiercely, "do you, on your oath, swear that this is not your handwriting?" [Illustration] "I think not," was the reply. "Does it resemble your handwriting?" "I can't say it does." "Will you swear that it does not resemble your handwriting?" "I will." "You will positively take your oath that this writing does not resemble yours?" persisted the lawyer, working himself into a state bordering on frenzy. "Ye-s-s, sir." "You seem less positive," remarked his interrogator; "perhaps we had better have a specimen of your handwriting for purposes of comparison." The witness caused it to be understood that this was impossible, whereupon the lawyer, scenting his approaching triumph, smiled serenely at the court. "Oh, sir, it is impossible, is it? And may I ask why?" "'Cause I can't write," returned the man. "Step down; I'm done with you," said the smart lawyer. Which reminds me of an occasion when an Irish judge was on the bench, and took occasion, in my hearing, to address the jury. "Gentlemen," he said, seriously, "you have heard the evidence. The indictment says the prisoner was arrested for stealing a pig. "The offense seems to be becoming a common one. The time has come when it must be put a stop to; otherwise, gentlemen, none of you will be safe."