"Mamie, come right down, Mr. Suitz wants to see you down here." So Mamie called back, "Oh, mother, I can't; I have nothing on." "Well, slip on something right away, and come down." And what do you think? Mamie slipped on the stairs, and came down. Talking of your level-headed young Lochinvars of to-day, who use automobiles in their elopements instead of horses as in the old times, there was Charlie's brother who fell in love with the only daughter of old Squeezer, the richest skinflint in Stringtown, and was bound to have her, even if he had to resort to strategy. [Illustration] "Oh, Bob," she whispered, sliding down into the outstretched arms of the lover who stood at the bottom of the ladder, "are you sure the coast is clear?" "To a dead certainty," he replied, bitterly. "I succeeded in boring a hole in the water pipe. Your father has discovered it, and will keep his finger over the hole until the plumber arrives. Come!" I dined at the Waldorf the other night, and somehow in the long list of courses found my mind wrestling with an item that had caught my eye in one of the yellow sheets, where a certain well-known doctor declared that the simple cooking of savage tribes was far superior to that of the present civilized races. When I reached home the thought, and perhaps the menu I had so gallantly assailed, so impressed me, that I sat down and rattled off a few verses covering the ground. This is how the song goes: [Illustration] "You cook," I observed to the African chief, "With a truly remarkable skill; With your soups and your entrees you ne'er come to grief, You seldom go wrong when you grill. Your roast leg of pork or of mutton is--well, It's a privilege simply to view it; And I feel I could fatten for weeks on the smell! How on earth do you manage to do it?" With a gratified simper the chieftain explained, "Ah, well, for that matter, the fact is, Whatever ability I may have gained Is simply the outcome of practice. In the days of my youth, e'er I quitted my land, Not content with the usual rations, I made it a habit to practice my hand On my numerous friends and relations. "I strove with a will toward my ultimate end, Surmounting each obstacle gayly. I speedily ran through my circle of friends, Diminished my relatives daily. My brothers gave out, and my uncles as well; My cousins went faster and faster; Until--in a word a long story to tell-- I found I could cook like a master." In silence I stood till he came to the end, For his tale had delighted and thrilled me; Then thoughtfully thanking my cannibal friend, I owned that with envy he filled me. For many's the man whom I'd thankfully boil, And countless relations beset me, Whom I'd eagerly stew (without grudging the toil), If only the law would abet me.