"Now, Miss Burns, do you see any sense in the Atlantic Ocean's having
refused to take me of all the persons on board the _Roland_? Do you see
any sense in my having fought like a madman for my mere existence? Do you
see any sense in my having struck some unfortunate creatures over the
head with my oars because they nearly capsized our boat? I struck them
so hard that they sank back in the water without a sound and disappeared.
Isn't it vile that I still cling to life and that I would rather do
anything than give up this botched and bungled existence of mine?"
Though he had spoken in a light conversational tone, Frederick was pale
and excited. It was long since the plates had been removed, and Miss
Burns, perhaps to avoid a painful answer, asked:
"Shall we take coffee here, Doctor von Kammacher?"
"Whatever you will, to-day, to-morrow, and forever, provided I do not
annoy you. I am a gloomy companion, I fear. I fancy there is no other
person in the world troubled with such petty egoism as I am. Think of it,
my wife locked up in an asylum is occupied every moment of the day with
proving her own selfishness, weakness, unworthiness and wickedness toward
me. Because she is so unworthy, as she says, and because I am so great,
so noble, so admirable, they have to watch her all the time, I am told,
to keep her from inflicting injury upon herself. A very pleasant fact to
be conscious of, isn't it, Miss Burns, and haven't I good reason to feel
proud?"
"What you need," said Miss Burns, "is rest. I never thought--I beg your
pardon for saying so--that a man who outwardly makes the impression of
such strength can possess such a wee, trembling soul. What you ought to
do now, I should think, is simply cover up your past as much as possible.
All of us have to do some covering up in order to be fit for life."
"But I am altogether unfit," said Frederick. "This minute I am feeling
strong, because I am with someone in whose presence, for some reason or
other, I can wash myself in clean water--excuse me, I am speaking
euphemistically."
"You ought to concentrate on something, you ought to work," said Miss
Burns. "You ought to make yourself physically tired to the point of
exhaustion."
"Oh, my dear Miss Burns," cried Frederick, "how you overestimate me!
Work! I am no better than a tramp. The thing I thought to cure myself
with was laziness, idleness. Here I sit in a land discovered and
conquered as a result of the tremendous will power of the Europeans, with
my oars gone, my rudder gone and my last bit of free will. It is this
that distinguishes most men of to-day from the men of that time."
Coffee was served, and for a while Frederick and Miss Burns stirred the
sugar without speaking. Then Miss Burns asked:
"How did you come to lose your free will, as you say?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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