the door, because I was frightened and dreaded the worst. Then there
were reconciliations, the consequences of which were only to increase
the miserable nervous tension in our home. One day I had to put my
mother-in-law out of the house as a way of securing peace. Even my wife
realised that it was necessary to do it. We loved each other, and in
spite of all that happened, we both had the best intentions. We have
three children, Albrecht, Bernhard and Annemarie. They came inside of
three years, one very soon after the other, you see. My wife had a
nervous tendency which these births brought to a crisis. After the very
first child was born, she had an attack of profound melancholia. Her
mother had to admit that Angele had been subject to similar attacks from
childhood up. After the last child was born, I took her on a two months'
trip in Italy. It was a lovely time, and her spirits actually seemed to
brighten under the happy sky of Italy. But her sickness progressed below
the surface. I am thirty-one years old and have been married eight years.
My oldest boy is seven years old. It is now"--Frederick reflected a few
moments--"it is now the beginning of February. It was about the middle of
October last fall when I found my wife in her room slashing to tiny bits
a piece of not exactly inexpensive silk which we had bought in Zuerich and
which had been lying in her drawer more than four years. I can still see
the costly red stuff, that is, as much of it as had not been cut, and a
loose mountain of patches lying on the floor. I said, 'Angele, what are
you doing?' And then I took in the situation. Nevertheless, I cherished
hopes for a time. But one night I awoke and saw my wife's face close
above me with a ghastly far-away look in it. At the same time I felt
something at my throat. It was the very pair of scissors with which she
had cut the red silk. 'Come, Frederick,' she said, 'get up and dress. We
must both go to sleep in a coffin of linden-wood.' It was high time to
tell her relatives and mine and convoke a family council. I might have
protected myself, but it was dangerous for the children.
"So you see," Frederick concluded, "it was not very far along the road of
marriage that I travelled with my talent for life. I want everything and
nothing. I can do everything and nothing. My mind has been over-loaded,
and yet has remained empty."
"You certainly did go through a hard time," said Miss Burns simply.
"Yes," said Frederick, "you are right, but only if you use the present
tense instead of the past and if you fully gauge the extent to which the
trouble with my wife has been complicated for me. The question is, am I
to blame for the course that my wife's mental suffering took, or may I
acquit myself of all blame? All I can say is, that the suit in this case,
in which I myself am plaintiff, defendant and judge, is still pending,
and no definite decision has yet been rendered.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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