Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
“Yes, it ought to be grand,” I said, “a grand meeting, the grandest
meeting we’ve ever had,” and I remember putting my head out of the
right-hand window and inviting the passers-by to come and join us.
“Yes, there’s no doubt of it,” I said, “it’ll be a grand meeting, a
grand, grand meeting, grander and grander.”
“As grand as grand,” said the naval officer.
“Yes, and grander than that,” I said, “ever so grand.”
Then I started a hymn just to clear my chest again, and finding, to my
satisfaction, that it was surprisingly supple, I led my companions
through chorus after chorus of a brisk but devotional character. Indeed
we were in the middle of one when we arrived at the Drill Hall, and so
intent had I become on the music that I unfortunately tripped as I
alighted upon the pavement and struck my abdomen rather violently. Two
of Miss Moonbeam’s brothers, however, who were waiting to receive us, at
once readjusted me upon my legs, while the naval officer came to their
assistance in conducting me to my chair upon the platform.
Nor had I been in error in foreseeing an audience that filled the hall
to its utmost capacity, Miss Moonbeam herself and several of her
companions being audibly recognized on their way to their seats. Many of
our members, too, in different parts of the hall, were standing on their
feet, I noticed, to give me a personal welcome; and no sooner had I
hailed these in affectionate terms than others took their places to be
hailed in turn. So prolonged, in fact, did these greetings become, and
to such a pitch of heartiness did they climb, that Ezekiel’s own arrival
upon the platform, accompanied by Mr. Chrysostom Lorton, was scarcely
noticed.
That was probably the reason, I inferred, why his expression was almost
less pleasant than I had ever known it, and why he obviously resented
the attentions of Miss Moonbeam’s brothers, who were still standing, one
on each side of me. Mr. Chrysostom, too, seemed curiously distant, I
thought, as I swung round and clasped his hand, although I assured him,
in tones that rang through the hall, of my intense delight at his
presence.
“Simply overwhelmed,” I said, “simply overwhelmed, Mr. Chrysostom. Let
me introduce you to Miss Moonbeam. Miss Moonbeam, Mr. Chrysostom Lorton.
Mr. Chrysostom Lorton, Miss Moonbeam.”
Then I turned to the audience with a great shout.
“Three cheers,” I cried, “for Mr. Chrysostom Lorton. Hip—hip——”
But Ezekiel held up his hand.
“I propose to open this meeting,” he said, “with prayer.”
For a moment I was staggered. Indeed I almost fell down. It was the
directest insult I had ever received. And it was not only an insult to
myself, but to Mr. Chrysostom, who was deprived of his cheers.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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