Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man — John Shaqi
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
Upon the following Saturday, however, a beautiful day in June, with the
gerania in the front garden in full bloom, Desmond O’Flaherty again
began to make overtures to me through the open door of the kitchen. The
parlour door being again ajar, I was of course visible to him as I
reclined on the sofa; and I instantly observed that he had brought his
cannon with him and that its muzzle was pointing towards myself.
Informing me that his pocket was full of peas, suitably dried for the
purposes of ammunition, he then invited me to become his companion in a
game of definitely military character.
This I refused, and I can still recall every detail of all that
followed. Happily employed combing a grey rabbit, to which I was deeply
attached, and which I had named, but a day or two previously, after the
major prophet Isaiah, I heard a faint click and the next moment was
violently struck upon the back of my hand. Unable to suppress a cry of
pain, I involuntarily tightened my grip on Isaiah, who suddenly turned
his head and made a movement as if about to bite my index finger.
Realizing as I did, from my knowledge of the _Dictionary of Home
Medicine_, the fatal consequences that might possibly have ensued, I
flung him from me and sprang to the floor, almost beside myself with
fear and anguish. With an expression of reproach that cut me to the very
heart Isaiah then retreated behind the harmonium; and at the same moment
I heard a raucous laugh proceeding from the direction of Desmond.
But for Desmond and his mother I was alone in the house, yet I did not
hesitate to advance towards the kitchen and grind the cannon beneath my
foot. Twice I stamped upon it in what still seems to me a wholly
righteous indignation, and in a couple of seconds I had reduced it to an
irreparable wreck. For a moment Desmond said nothing. I had taken him by
surprise. But then he rushed towards me with a kind of snort, and
fiercely hit me on a face already suffused with tears. I turned away
from him shaken with sobs. But his bestial appetites were still unsated.
A second and a third time he hit me, on both occasions on the neck, and
followed this up by an assault with his foot upon the lower portion of
my back. But my cries, now almost amounting to shrieks, had by this time
attracted Mrs. O’Flaherty, and at the same instant my father, returning
early, unlocked the front door. In a flash I was in his arms and had
sobbed out to him the whole pitiful tale. I felt him quiver and then
control himself, as he gently placed me to one side. Then he advanced to
Desmond, pointing to the crumpled cannon.
“Pick that up,” he said, “and leave this house for ever.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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