Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
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Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
I use the word welcome, because I had not only discerned in these
gatherings an admirable vehicle of elocutionary progress, but I had
quickly discovered in them a crying need that it was plainly my duty to
supply. Familiar to every frequenter of the average prayer-meeting,
whether Church of England or Non-conformist, this was nothing less than
the presence of a gap-filler, especially in the earlier stages of the
proceedings. Few can have failed, for example, to notice the pause that
almost invariably takes place after the Chairman has delivered his own
petition and invited the efforts of further supplicants. Painful in
itself, in that it so often accentuates the respiratory difficulties of
those present, how often is it broken, alas, by the simultaneous
commencement of two or more separate competitors? Nor is that all. For,
each realizing that he is too late, a disheartened silence generally
ensues, only to be broken perhaps by a second neck-to-neck effort on the
part of all the previous starters that abortively collapses again on
some such unfortunate phrase as “Oh dear, oh Lord.”
It was here then that I descried, and at once began to work, an almost
virgin field, never allowing an instant to elapse after the right to
supplicate had been declared general. Indeed on many occasions I filled
the subsequent gaps also, and at one particularly reluctant gathering, I
can well remember, in less than an hour, offering a dozen full-length
petitions. That I soon had rivals goes without saying. Who, in such a
position, could have escaped them? But once started, I allowed no second
petitioner to deflect or abbreviate my entreaties.
Perhaps the work, however, in which I was most interested was that of
the Anti-Dramatic and Saltatory[6] Union founded by Ezekiel Stool, the
son of Abraham Stool, the inventor and proprietor of Stool’s Adult Gripe
Water. Probably the most persistent and unflinching opponent that the
theatre and dancing saloon have ever known, he was then some twenty-six
years of age and of a very remarkable and beautiful character. Indeed
all that he lacked of these two qualities in his actual physical
appearance seemed to have been concentrated with additional force in his
spiritual personality. No taller than myself, and weighing considerably
less, he had suffered all his life from an inherent dread of shaving,
and the greater portion of his face was in consequence obliterated by a
profuse but gentle growth of hair. His voice too, owing to some
developmental defect, had only partially broken; and indeed his father
Abraham (afterwards removed to an asylum) had on more than one occasion
attempted to sacrifice him, under the mistaken impression that he was
some sort of animal that would be suitable as a burnt offering.
Footnote 6:
Appertaining to dancing.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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