Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
General
Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
I say facing, for although its actual countenance was turned, as I have
said, towards the left, its malevolent bosom as well as its right eye
were directly focussed upon our persons. Nor can I trust myself, even
now, to describe its effect upon us as we moved up the aisle, although
every detail of its repulsive appearance was indelibly graved upon my
memory. Suffice it to say, therefore, that it gave the general
impression of a vulture rather than an eagle; that it appeared to have
robbed an arsenal of a medium-sized cannon-ball, upon which it now stood
poised on the summit of a mast; and that its outspread wings had been
blasphemously converted into a support for the Holy Scriptures. Nor was
that all, for at each corner of the pedestal, in which the mast had been
embedded, was an additional claw with projecting talons of undisguised
ferocity—the total effect from the bottom of the aisle being that of a
six-clawed monster about to expectorate.
Repellent as was its appearance, however, even at a distance, it was not
until we drew nearer to it up the central aisle that I suddenly became
aware in it of a quite unforeseen and infinitely sinister significance.
For now, as we approached our pew, which was the front one on the right,
it was perfectly clear that its eyes had been so fashioned as to be
capable of regarding us, either separately or in unison, with an almost
unbelievable degree of venom. But they could do more, for what was my
horror, just as we were about to turn into our pew, to perceive that my
father, whose colour had visibly deepened, was still holding on towards
the chancel. Nay, to be exact, he was still holding on towards the very
image that he had come to condemn, with his two eyes fixed and slowly
converging upon the baleful eyeball of the bird itself. For a moment I
stood spellbound. What was he about to do? And then, as the pew rocked
beneath my feet, I suddenly realized that my poor father had been foully
and deliberately hypnotized.
It was a critical instant. Another couple of steps, and one of two
things must inevitably have happened. He would either have dashed his
forehead against the bird’s bosom, or his abdomen would have collided
with the mast. Nor was the danger less real because it was as yet
unperceived either by my mother or the rest of the congregation. With an
enormous effort, however, I succeeded in rallying myself and seizing and
compressing my father’s right elbow, steering him half-conscious into
his usual place, where he immediately fell forward upon his knees. Then
I bent down. “It was the bird’s eye,” I said. “Whatever you do, avoid
the bird’s eye,” and ample was my reward in the immensely powerful
squeeze which was the only thanks he was able to bestow.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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