Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good ManBashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
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Augustus Carp, Esq., by Himself: Being the Autobiography of a Really Good Man
Bashford, H. H. (Henry Howarth), Sir
English fiction -- 20th century; Humorous stories; Satire
Required, like my father, who was still fortunately able to pursue his
secular avocations, to be present at my place of employment by nine
o’clock in the morning, my mother would call me at a quarter past seven,
bringing a cup of tea to my bedside. This I would permit to cool for
three or four minutes while I ate one of the biscuits with which it was
accompanied; and then, sitting up in bed with my dressing-gown over my
shoulders, I would drink the upper half of it before again eating. I
would then eat the second of my two biscuits, and having drunk the
remainder of the tea, would ring for my mother, who would then bring my
hot water prior to the removal of the tea-things.
I was now ready to dress, and pushing down the bedclothes, would begin
by leaning forward and reaching the trousers which, the night before, I
had hung over the end of the bed, with this very purpose in view.
Containing my pants, to the lower extremities of which my socks would be
still adherent, I was thus enabled, without removing my nightgown, to
clothe my lower limbs before actually rising; and it was only then that
I would finally leave the bed and cross the room towards the wash-hand
stand. I would then fill the basin, leaving sufficient hot water for the
purposes of subsequent shaving, and having locked the door and drawn the
blinds would remove my nightgown preparatory to washing.
It would now be half-past seven, and if it were at all cold, I would don
my vest before bending over the basin, never failing, however, in even
the severest weather, to roll up my sleeves as far as my elbows. Then
having dried and put on my shirt, I would shave before putting on my
shirt-front, always brushing my hair before I put on my coat, but not
before putting on my waistcoat. I would then select a clean handkerchief
from my top right-hand drawer, and having pulled up my trousers a little
to prevent them from becoming baggy, would kneel by my bedside at seven
forty-five, assuming an erect position again at five minutes to eight. I
would then pull up the blinds, open the windows, fold up my nightgown
and put it in my nightgown bag, and by eight o’clock would be sitting at
the harmonium in readiness to burst into the morning hymn.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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