Authors, English -- 19th century -- Biography; De Quincey, Thomas, 1785-1859
'other people' to have no rest for me and my verses, which, after all,
were horribly bad?" There might have been some difficulty in returning
an answer to this address, but none was required. I was briefly
admonished to see that I wrote worse for the future, or else----. At
this _aposiopesis_ I looked inquiringly at the speaker, and he filled
up the chasm by saying that he would "annihilate" me. Could any person
fail to be aghast at such a demand? I was to write worse than my own
standard, which, by his account of my verses, must be difficult; and
I was to write worse than himself, which might be impossible. My
feelings revolted against so arrogant a demand, unless it had been far
otherwise expressed; if death on the spot had awaited me, I could not
have controlled myself; and on the next occasion for sending up verses
to the head master, so far from attending to the orders issued, I
double-shotted my guns; double applause descended on myself; but I
remarked with some awe, though not repenting of what I had done, that
double confusion seemed to agitate the ranks of my enemies. Amongst
them loomed out in the distance my "annihilating" friend, who shook
his huge fist at me, but with something like a grim smile about his
eyes. He took an early opportunity of paying his respects to me again,
saying, "You little devil, do you call this writing your worst?" "No,"
I replied; "I call it writing my best." The annihilator, as it turned
out, was really a good-natured young man; but he was on the wing for
Cambridge; and with the rest, or some of them, I continued to wage
war for more than a year. And yet, for a word spoken with kindness,
how readily I would have resigned (had it been altogether at my own
choice to do so) the peacock's feather in my cap as the merest of
bawbles. Undoubtedly, praise sounded sweet in _my_ ears also; but that
was nothing by comparison with what stood on the other side. I detested
distinctions that were connected with mortification to others; and,
even if I could have got over _that_, the eternal feud fretted and
tormented my nature. Love, that once in childhood had been so mere a
necessity to me, _that_ had long been a reflected ray from a departed
sunset. But peace, and freedom from strife, if love were no longer
possible, (as so rarely it is in this world,) was the clamorous
necessity of my nature. To contend with somebody was still my fate;
how to escape the contention I could not see; and yet, for itself, and
for the deadly passions into which it forced me, I hated and loathed
it more than death. It added to the distraction and internal feud of
my mind, that I could not _altogether_ condemn the upper boys. I was
made a handle of humiliation to them. And, in the mean time, if I had
an undeniable advantage in one solitary accomplishment, which is all
a matter of accident, or sometimes of peculiar direction given to the
taste, they, on the other hand, had a great advantage over me in the
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Elsewhere in the archive
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account