Conduct of life -- Fiction; Invalids -- Fiction; Married people -- Fiction
Jean listened to his footfall on the steps, on the sidewalk; the
nervous, irritable, uneven sound softened and ceased. She was quite
awake, and her mind moved with feverish vitality. She was usually a
good sleeper for a sick person; but that night she found herself too
ill for any form of rest. The difficulty that she had in breathing
increased with an insidious slowness which she had learned to fear as
the most obstinate form of her malady. The room grew empty of air.
The candle burned blue to her eyes. The shutting of the front door
seemed like the shutting of that to which she would not give a name,
for terror's sake. As her husband's footsteps passed from the power of
her strained ears to overtake them, she found herself wondering how
they would sound when they passed for the last time from her presence,
she lying under a load of flowers, with the final look of the sky
turned compassionately upon her. Then she scorned herself--she was the
most healthy-minded invalid who ever surmounted the morbidness of
physical suffering--and thrust out her hands from her face, as if she
were thrusting a camera which was using defective plates away from her
brain.
"If he had only come in a minute!" she said, sobbing a little. "If he
had only come in and kissed me good-night"--
She did not add: "He would have seen that I was too ill. He would not
have left me."
The candle burned faintly, and grew more faint. There seemed to be
smoke in the room. The baby stirred in his crib, and Pink, from the
nursery, called, "Mummer dee!" in her sleep. The air grew so dense
that it seemed to Jean to be packed about her like smothering wool.
She rang the electric bell for Molly, or she thought she did. But
Molly did not answer, and the nursery door was shut.
There was nothing morbid in Jean's thoughts by this time; no more
gruesome vision; no touching situation whatever presented itself; she
did not see herself as a pathetic object; even her husband vanished
from her consciousness. Kind or harsh--retreating footsteps or
returning arms--light laughter on his lips or true love in his
eyes--she thought of him not at all. He disappeared from her emergency
like some diminishing figure that had fled from the field of a great
battle. For the lonely woman knew now, at last, that she was wrestling
with mortal peril. She had always wondered if she would know it from
its counterfeits when it really came--there were so many counterfeits!
She had asked, as all men ask, what it would be like. A long
contention? A short, sharp thrust? Agony? Stupor? Struggle, or
calm? Now she wondered not at all. There was nothing dramatic or
exciting, or even solemn, in her condition. All her being resolved
itself into the simple effort to get her breath.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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