At length I became as rich as the Gurneys-- An incubus then I thought her, So I threw over that rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage-- And now, if you please, I'm ready to try This Breach of Promise of Marriage! TRUE DIFFIDENCE. My boy, you may take it from me, That of all the afflictions accurst With which a man's saddled And hampered and addled, A diffident nature's the worst. Though clever as clever can be-- A Crichton of early romance-- You must stir it and stump it, And blow your own trumpet, Or, trust me, you haven't a chance. Now take, for example, _my_ case: I've a bright intellectual brain-- In all London city There's no one so witty-- I've thought so again and again. I've a highly intelligent face-- My features cannot be denied-- But, whatever I try, sir, I fail in--and why, sir? I'm modesty personified! As a poet, I'm tender and quaint-- I've passion and fervor and grace-- From Ovid and Horace To Swinburne and Morris, They all of them take a back place, Then I sing and I play and I paint; Though none are accomplished as I, To say so were treason: You ask me the reason? I'm diffident, modest and shy! [Illustration] THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER. I stole the Prince, and I brought him here, And left him, gaily prattling With a highly respectable Gondolier, Who promised the Royal babe to rear, And teach him the trade of a timoneer With his own beloved bratling. Both of the babes were strong and stout, And, considering all things, clever. Of that there is no manner of doubt-- No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- No possible doubt whatever. Time sped, and when at the end of a year I sought that infant cherished, That highly respectable Gondolier Was lying a corpse on his humble bier-- I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear-- That Gondolier had perished. A taste for drink, combined with gout, Had doubled him up for ever. Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- No possible doubt whatever. But owing, I'm much disposed to fear, To his terrible taste for tippling, That highly respectable Gondolier Could never declare with a mind sincere Which of the two was his offspring dear, And which the Royal stripling! Which was which he could never make out, Despite his best endeavour. Of _that_ there is no manner of doubt-- No probable, possible shadow of doubt-- No possible doubt whatever. The children followed his old career-- (This statement can't be parried) Of a highly respectable Gondolier: Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)-- But _which_ of the two is not quite clear-- Is the Royal Prince you married!