Back to the Woods: The Story of a Fall from GraceHobart, George V. (George Vere)
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Back to the Woods: The Story of a Fall from Grace
Hobart, George V. (George Vere)
Humorous stories; United States -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
I explained that the desperado put up a stiff fight against Diggs
and myself and, warming up to the subject, I went into the details
of a hand to hand struggle that made them all shiver and blink
their lanterns.
When finally I finished with the statement that the robber knocked
us both down and had made a successful break for liberty. Uncle
Peter gave expression to a yell of dismay, and once again he and
his bow and arrow held a reunion.
Tacks suggested that we burn the house down so the burglar wouldn't
be able to find it if he came around after dark. I thought
extremely well of the suggestion, but didn't dare say so.
Aunt Martha had just about decided to untie a fit of hysterics,
when Clara J. reached for the kerosene bucket and threw oil on the
troubled waters.
"Let's drop all this nonsense about burglars and ghosts and go to
breakfast," she suggested. "I don't believe there ever was a ghost
within sixty miles of this house, and to save my soul I couldn't be
afraid of a burglar whose specialty consisted of falling in the
cellar and swearing till help came!"
After breakfast I was dragged away to the brook to fish for lamb
chops or whatever kind of an animal it was that Uncle Peter and
Tacks decided would bite. Aunt Martha posted off to the city on
urgent business, the nature of which she carefully concealed from
everybody.
Clara J. said she'd be delighted to have the house all to herself
for an hour or two, there were so many rooms to look through and so
many plans to make.
Uncle Peter gave her his bow and arrow with full instructions how
to shoot if danger threatened, and Tacks carefully rubbed the steps
leading up to the piazza with soap so the burglar would fall and
break his neck. Then the little shrimp called my attention to his
handiwork and demonstrated its availability by slipping thereon
himself and going the whole distance on his face. He didn't break
his neck, however, so to my mind his burglar alarm failed to make
good.
As time wore on I felt more and more like a mock turtle being led
to the soup house.
The fact that Bunch was sore worried me, and I began to realize
that it was now only a question of a few hours when I'd have to
crawl up to Clara J. and hand in my resignation.
Every time I drew a picture of that scene and heard myself telling
her I was nothing but a fawn-colored four-flush I could see my
future putting on the mitts and getting ready to hand me one.
And when I thought of the dish of fairy tales I had cooked for that
girl I could feel something running around in my head and trying to
hide. I suppose it was my conscience.
At the brook, Uncle Peter began to throw out hints that he was the
original lone fisherman. The lobster never lived that could back
away from him, and as for fly-casting, well, he was Piscatorial
Peter, the Fancy Fish Charmer from Fishkill.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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