"St. John," she said. Should she tell him that they were not true? That
he was building up a retrospective passion which had never existed? That
what he supposed to have been renunciation and self-control and chivalry
had in reality been a rather tactfully steered uninflammable affection?
Why his voice now was far more broken up and moved than she had ever
heard it before. Of course he had not been in love with her. She had
never realised it as clearly as to-night. For a moment he put his face
in her lap, then he kissed her hands--reverently, in memory of his great
sacrifice.
"May I smoke a cigarette?" he asked.
"Please do."
He went back to his chair.
She was, he said, a wonderful friend.
So, she said, was he.
They talked about his family and her family--a little about their mutual
friends and a lot about friends of his that she had never seen.
They talked about furniture and gardens.
There were, he said, a lot of subjects on which he wanted her advice.
It was all very domestic, their two armchairs and the fire--the dying
fire. He must, she supposed, be imagining that they were married, seeing
her at the head of the table, in the family pew. She wondered if he
would have let her re-set the family jewels. Perhaps his mind had
reached the nursery. He was dreaming of children, his children, her
children, their children.
Dear St. John. She looked at him tenderly. She longed to explain what an
unsuitable wife she would have made him.
"What are you thinking about?" her voice was very gentle.
"I was thinking of the cattle I bought to-day, and wondering what sort
of fencing I should put up at the bottom of the drive. Ariadne, you
remember how gregarious I used to be; well, you can't think how
perfectly happy I am living here alone."
Smiles were popping out of her face shamelessly. No sooner had she kept
one out of her eyes than it reappeared on her lips.
"Dear St. John," she said, "I do love you."
He looked, she thought, a little alarmed.
"Not like that, that is all over."
"Quite over?"
"Quite--are you glad?"
"If it makes you happier," and then, "No, I'm damned if I'm glad."
"Thank you, St. John," she was laughing a little.
He looked puzzled, even rather disappointed.
She had broken the rules and laughed.
"How lucky you didn't say that to me four years ago."
"Don't," he said sharply.
"I'm sorry."
He was lighting her candle.
"To-morrow," he said, "you will choose the colour of the garden gates
and advise me about the fencing."
"That _will_ be fun."
She shivered.
"Are you cold?"
"One is always cold after India."
He took her to the door of her bedroom.
"Good-night--God bless you," he said.
She put her two hands on his shoulders and, bending forward, she kissed
him lightly. It was a cruel way of showing him that she didn't care any
more.
"What a revengeful woman I am, punishing him after all these years," she
thought.
But he didn't see it like that.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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