“That I know nothing about, my dear. I’m sorry, but there’s pitch and
tar in politics as well as on shipboard.”
“I do not see that there should be,” said Cecilia resolutely.
“We can’t hope to have what should be.”
“Why not? I would have it: I would do my utmost to have it,” she flamed
out.
“Your _utmost?_” Her father was glancing at her foregone mimicry of
Beauchamp’s occasional strokes of emphasis. “Do your utmost to have
your bonnet on in time for us to walk to church. I can’t bear driving
there.”
Cecilia went to her room with the curious reflection, awakened by what
her father had chanced to suggest to her mind, that she likewise could
be fervid, positive, uncompromising—who knows? Radicalish, perhaps,
when she looked eye to eye on an evil. For a moment or so she espied
within herself a gulf of possibilities, wherein black night-birds,
known as queries, roused by shot of light, do flap their wings.—Her
utmost to have be what should be! And why not?
But the intemperate feeling subsided while she was doing duty before
her mirror, and the visionary gulf closed immediately.
She had merely been very angry on Nevil Beauchamp’s behalf, and had
dimly seen that a woman can feel insurgent, almost revolutionary, for a
personal cause, Tory though her instinct of safety and love of
smoothness make her.
No reflection upon this casual piece of self or sex revelation troubled
her head. She did, however, think of her position as the friend of
Nevil in utter antagonism to him. It beset her with contradictions that
blew rough on her cherished serenity; for she was of the order of
ladies who, by virtue of their pride and spirit, their port and their
beauty, decree unto themselves the rank of princesses among women,
before our world has tried their claim to it. She had lived hitherto in
upper air, high above the clouds of earth. Her ideal of a man was of
one similarly disengaged and lofty—loftier. Nevil, she could honestly
say, was not her ideal; he was only her old friend, and she was opposed
to him in his present adventure. The striking at him to cure him of his
mental errors and excesses was an obligation; she could descend upon
him calmly with the chastening rod, pointing to the better way; but the
shielding of him was a different thing; it dragged her down so low,
that in her condemnation of the Tory squib she found herself asking
herself whether haply Nevil had flung off the yoke of the French lady;
with the foolish excuse for the question, that if he had not, he must
be bitterly sensitive to the slightest public allusion to her. Had he?
And if not, how desperately faithful he was! or else how marvellously
seductive she!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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