emotion with which the boy took leave of his father was rather of envy
that he was returning to the dear home life, than regret at being
parted from him.
The first two years of the boy's school life passed like a bewildered
dream; he had a companion or two, but hardly a friend; he had little
idea of what was going on in the big place round him; he was not in the
least ambitious of distinction either in work or games; his one desire
was not to be conspicuous in any way. He was now a shy, awkward
creature; but as he was good-humoured enough, and as his performances
excited no envy in any of his companions, he was left to a great extent
to his own devices. The masters with whom he was brought into contact
he regarded with a distant awe; it never occurred to him that they took
any interest in their work or in the characters of the boys they dealt
with. He supposed vaguely that they liked to show their power by
scoring under the mistakes in exercises, and by setting punishments.
But they were all dim and inhuman beings to him. Only very gradually
did it dawn upon the boy that he had a place in a big society. He was
habitually unsuccessful in examinations, but he became a proficient in
football, which gave him a certain small consequence. He began to give
thought to his clothes, and to adopt the customary tone of talk, not
because he felt in sympathy with it, but because it was a convenient
shield under which he could pursue his own ideas. But his tastes were
feeble enough; he spent hours in the great school library, a cool
panelled room, and though he had no taste for anything that was hard or
vigorous, he read an immense amount of poetry and fiction. He began,
too, to write poetry, with extraordinary precautions that his
occupation should not be discovered. He was present on one occasion
when a store of poems, the work of a curious and eccentric boy of his
own age, was discovered in the drawer of a bureau. These were solemnly
read aloud by a small tormentor, while the unhappy author, writhing
with shame and misery, was firmly held in a chair, and each composition
received with derisive comments and loud laughter. Hugh had joined, he
remembered with a sense of self-reproach, in the laughter and the
criticisms, though he felt in his heart both interest in and admiration
for the poems. But he dare not so far brave ridicule as to express his
feelings, and simply fell, tamely and ungenerously, into the general
tone. He did indeed make feeble overtures afterwards to the author,
which were suspiciously and fiercely repelled, and the only practical
lesson that Hugh learnt from the scene was to conceal his own literary
experiments with a painful caution.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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