and to realise that he was not only an exceptional man, but a man with
a rare intensity of nature, whose whole life was lived on a plane and
in an atmosphere that was impossible to easy, tolerant, conventional
natures. He realised his father's capacity for leadership, his
extraordinary and unconscious influence over all with whom he came in
contact, the burning glow of his fervid temperament, his scorn and
detestation of all that was vile or mean. It did not at once become
easier for Hugh to speak freely of what was passing in his own mind;
indeed he realised that his father was one of those whose prejudices
were so strong, and whose personal magnetism was so great, that not
even his oldest and most intimate friends could afford to express
opposition to him in matters on which he felt deeply. But Hugh saw
that he must accept it as an unalterable condition of his father's
nature, and realising this, he felt that he could concede him an honour
and a homage, due to one of commanding moral greatness, which he had
never willingly conceded to his paternal authority. The result was a
great and growing happiness. Sometimes indeed Hugh made mistakes,
beguiled by the increasing freedom of their intercourse; he allowed
himself to discuss lightly matters on which he could hardly believe
that any one could feel passionately. But a real and deep friendship
sprang up between the two, and Hugh was at times simply astonished at
the confidence which his father reposed in him. There were still,
indeed, days when the tension was felt. But Hugh became aware that his
father made strong efforts to banish his own depression and melancholy
when he was with his son, that it might not cloud their intercourse.
Signs such as these came home to Hugh with intense pathos, and evoked
an affection which became one of the real forces of his life. His
father had consented to Hugh's entering the Civil Service, but he
continued to hope that his son might ultimately decide to take orders;
he had cherished that hope from Hugh's earliest years, and seeing
Hugh's fondness for the externals of religion, while he knew nothing of
his mental attitude, he still believed and prayed that Hugh might be
led to enter the service of the Church. Hugh realised that this was
still his father's deep preoccupation, and perceived that he avoided
any direct expression of his wishes, exercising only a transparent
diplomacy which was infinitely touching--so touching indeed that Hugh
sometimes debated within himself whether he might not so far sacrifice
his own bent, which was more and more directed to the maintenance of an
independent attitude, in order to give his father so deep and lasting a
delight. But he was forced to decide that the motive was not cogent
enough, and that to adopt a definite position, involving the
suppression of some of his strongest convictions, for the sake of
giving one he loved a pleasure, was like exposing the ark to the risks
of battle.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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