And suddenly this hatred had flamed like hell-fire, amazing even
himself--that day when, lifted out of his indifference for an instant
by a young girl’s gaiety--and with a smile, half-responsive, on his own
unaccustomed lips, he had learned from her in the same instant, that the
man he had almost ceased to remember was honestly in love with her.
And suddenly he knew that he hated and that he should strike, and that
there could be no comparison in perfection between hatred and what
perhaps was love.
Sometimes, at night, lying on the studio couch, he found himself still
hesitating. Could Graylock be reached after death? Was it possible?
If he broke his word after Graylock was dead could he still strike and
reach him through the woman for whose sake he, Graylock, was going to
step out of things?
That occupied his mind continually, now. Was there anybody who could
tell him about such matters? Did clergymen really know whether the soul
survived? And if it did, and if truly there were a hell, could a living
man add anything to its torments for his enemy’s benefit?
One day the janitor, lingering, ventured to ask Drene whether he was
feeling quite well.
“Yes” said Drene, “I am well.”
The janitor spoke of his not eating. And, as Drene said nothing, he
mentioned the fact that Drene had not set foot outside his own quarters
in many weeks.
Drene nodded: “I expect to go for a walk this evening.”
But he did not. He lay on his couch, eyes open in the darkness,
wondering what Graylock was doing, how he lived, what occupied his days.
What were the nights of a condemned man like? Did Graylock sleep? Did
he suffer? Was the suspense a living death to him? Had he ever suspected
him, Drene, of treachery after he, Graylock, had fulfilled his final
part of the bargain.
For a long time, now, a fierce curiosity concerning what Graylock was
thinking and doing had possessed Drene. What does a man, who is in good
physical health, do, when he is at liberty to compute to the very second
how many seconds of life remain for him?
Drene’s sick brain ached with the problem day and night.
In November the snow fell. Drene had not been out except in imagination.
Day after day, in imagination, he had followed Graylock, night after
night, slyly, stealthily, shirking after him through busy avenues at
midday, lurking by shadowy houses at midnight, burning to see what
expression this man wore, what was imprinted on his features;--obsessed
by a desire to learn what he might be thinking--with death drawing
nearer.
But Drene, in the body, had never stirred from his own chilly room--a
gaunt, fierce-eyed thing, unkempt, half-clothed, huddled all day in his
chair brooding above his bitten nails, or flung starkly across his couch
at night staring at the stars through the dirty crust of glass above.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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