“You would probably find it almost unbelievable, if I told you that I strongly wished I were a man, at the time. I kept thinking of mother all the time! You see—she is so pretty and young yet, so full of life! I also know that she is a very passionate woman. How could she get along without a man? Now, I must confess something, though it is very hard for me to express it. You know already a number of my pet fancies. But there is another which I have persistently kept from you till now. I wanted to put on father’s clothes, as I have a few of them in my possession, and to go to mother’s bed at night. I acquired a sort of an apparatus ... for the purpose. But I did not quite have the courage. I put on the clothes but stayed in my room. I kept standing before the looking glass for hours, looking on.” “Did the clothes fit you?” “To tell you the truth, I had used some of father’s old suits for a long time before that. I got hold of them under all sorts of pretexts. I wrote him, for instance, that I wanted to give his unused clothes to a worthy poor man. Then I had them altered for a figure of my size and was glad to wear them while my husband was away. Already as a small girl I remember I was fond of wearing my brother’s clothes.” “Do you recollect your thoughts while you were wearing your brother’s clothes?” “Oh, I do. I played I was papa. For a time I felt really dissatisfied because I was a girl. I envied all boys.” “Later, too, after you were married already?” “Certainly! Do you know, I have never mustered enough courage to do something downright disloyal. But I was thinking, if I were a man, I could never remain true. I have always envied men. In fact, with my soul I felt myself more like a man.” “What were your feelings during the time you were in love with your husband?” “I had plunged headlong into love and forgot all about my liking of men’s clothes. During that time I felt altogether womanly. Especially when I became a mother. Then all my dreams about manliness disappeared.” “That was also the only time when you enjoyed your relations with your husband?” “I have never thought of the two things together. But you are right. For a short time during that period I was entirely womanly, until father died....” “And your mother came to live with you!” “Yes ... that is so.... Do you mean, that then I wanted again to be a man? Now, I can confess to you that I always envied father on account of mama. I used to think that if I were a man, I should certainly be in love with mama.”