Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) BIB BALLADS [Illustration] Copyright 1915 P. F. Volland & Co. Chicago, U. S. A. (All Rights Reserved) BIB BALLADS BY RING W. LARDNER ILLUSTRATED BY FONTAINE FOX [Illustration] Published by P. F. VOLLAND & CO. NEW YORK CHICAGO TORONTO FOREWORD Dear Parents:--Don't imagine, please, It's in a boastful spirit I fashion verses such as these; That's not the truth or near it. A hundred or a thousand, yes, A million kids there may be Who aren't one iota less Attractive than this baby. I'll venture that your household has As valuable a treasure As mine, but mine I know, and as For yours, I've not that pleasure. And that is why my book's about Just one, O Dads and Mothers; But babes are babes, and mine, no doubt, Is very much like others. THE AUTHOR [Illustration] BIB BALLADS [Illustration] GOOD-BY BILL Dollar Bill, that I've held so tight Ever since payday, a week ago, Shall I purchase with you tonight A pair of seats at the vaudeville show? (Hark! A voice from the easy chair: "Look at his shoes! We must buy a pair.") Dollar Bill, from the wreckage saved, Tell me, how shall I squander you? Shall I be shined, shampooed and shaved, Singed and trimmed 'round the edges, too? (Hark! A voice from the easy chair: "He hasn't a romper that's fit to wear.") Dollar Bill, that I cherished so, Think of the cigarettes you'd buy, Turkish ones, with a kick, you know; Makin's eventually tire a guy. (Hark! A voice from the easy chair: "Look at those stockings! Just one big tear!") Dollar Bill, it is time to part. What do I care for a vaudeville show? I'll shave myself and look just as smart. Makin's aren't so bad, you know. Dollar Bill, we must say good-by; There on the floor is the Reason Why. [Illustration] [Illustration] A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM There's been a young stranger at our house, A baby whom nobody knew; Who hated his brother, his father, his mother, And made them aware of it, too. He stayed with us nearly a fortnight And carried a grouch all the while, Nor promise nor present could make him look pleasant; He hadn't the power to smile. He cried when he couldn't have something; He cried just as hard when he could; Kind words by the earful but made him more tearful, And scoldings did just as much good. He stormed when his meals weren't ready, And when they _were_ ready, he screamed. He went to bed growling, got up again howling And quarreled and snarled as he dreamed.