And yet he was not always thus--a cold, hard, immovable pork statue. Once he was the pride of some Nebraska home. He was petted and caressed no doubt, and had more demoralized melon rinds, and cold potatoes, and dish water than he actually needed. But think of it, gentle, kind-hearted reader; he has been torn from those he loved, and butchered to make a Caucasian holiday; snatched from the home of his youth, and frozen into a double and twisted post mortem examination. Perhaps, dear reader, you have never had to stand as a model for the picture of the man in the front of the almanac, who looks like the victim of a buzz saw, with the various members of the Zodiac family floating around him. If you have not, and we will take your word for it, you cannot fully realize the feelings of the Nebraska hog on a December day, without a stitch of clothes to his back. SOME CENSUS CONUNDRUMS. ```It was in the prime of summer time, ```An evening calm and cool--= |When the census enumerator came to the sanctity of my home, and opened a valise which contained a large duodecimo volume, and about nine gallons of brand new interrogation points. He opened his note book, which was about the size of the White River Reservation, and proceeded to get acquainted. I thought at first that he had come from Chicago to interview me about the Presidential convention, and get my views. This was not the case, however. I think he is going to write my biography and sell it at $2.00 each. I gave him all the information I could, and telegraphed to my old Sabbath School Superintendent at home for more. Among other little evidences of his morbid curiosity, I will give the following: When were you born, and looking calmly back at this important epoch in your life, do you regret that you took the step? If yes, state to what extent and under what circumstances? Do you remember George Washington, and if so to what amount? What is your fighting weight? Who struck Billy Patterson? Did you ever have membranous croup, and what did you do for it? Do you keep hens, or do you lavish your profanity on those of your neighbors? Have any of your ancestors ever been troubled with ingrowing nails, or blind staggers? What is your opinion of rats? Are you a victim to rum or other alcoholic stimulants, and if so, at what hour do you usually succumb to the potent enemy? Would you have any scruples in asking the enumerator to join you in wrestling with man's destroyer at that hour? Do you eat onions? Which side do you lie on while sleeping? Which side do you lie on during a political campaign? What is the chief end of man? Are you single, and if so what is your excuse? Who will care for mother now? THE GENTLE POWER OF A WOMAN'S INFLUENCE.