_Team_--A term applied to two vaudeville actors who get twice as much money as they deserve. _Sure-fire_--A compound word employed to describe any allusion to President Wilson or the performer’s mother. _Swell_--An adjective used to describe the appearance of a gentleman performer who wears a diamond stud in his batwing tie or of a lady performer who is able to pronounce “caviar” correctly. _Artiste_--A vaudeville actress who carries her own plush curtain. _Dresden-China Comedienne_--Any vaudeville actress who is not a comedienne and who wears a poke bonnet fastened under the chin with pale blue ribbons. _Headliner_--A performer of whom audiences in the legitimate theatres have wearied. _Society’s Pet_--The designation of any young woman performer who has danced in a Broadway restaurant that was visited one evening by a slumming party from Fifth Avenue. _Mind-reader_--A vaudeville performer who imagines the members of a vaudeville audience have minds to read. II A First-Night Glossary _Rotten_--An adjective used to describe anything good. _Author_--A noun used to designate the person who, in response to the applause, comes out upon the stage after the second act in a conspicuously new Tuxedo and talks as if he had written a play. _Laugh_--A noise uttered by the audience whenever the comedian, casting an eye upon the prima donna’s hinter-décolleté, ejaculates, “I’m glad to see your back again.” _Grate_--Something that is used to warm up vaudeville sketches. _Wholesome_--An adjective used to describe any play which sacrifices art to morals. _Dramatic_--An adjective used to describe a scene in which anything, from a vase to the seventh commandment, is broken. _Sympathy_--The emotion felt by the audience for the woman character who lies, betrays, robs, deceives, steals, poisons, cheats, swindles, commits adultery, plays false, stabs, dupes or murders--in a beautiful gown. _Program_--A pamphlet which assures the audience that the theatre is disinfected of germs with CN Disinfectant and that the play is disinfected of drama with actors. III A Glossary of British Slang When George Ade’s “College Widow” was produced in London several years ago, a section of the program was devoted to a glossary of American slang. The British equivalents for the various specimens of Yankee vernacular were thus provided, so that the audience might comprehend the meaning of the words spoken by the characters in the play. By way of helping American audiences to a better understanding of the British vulgate, I append a reciprocating glossary: _Actor_--A war-time patriot who shouts “God Save the King” as he hurries aboard the first steamer out of Southampton to accept an engagement in an American musical comedy adapted from the German.